Indian Fiction:

So here’s the deal, ever since my first book has released online and is expected in stores soon, many fellow authors have popped up from my friend circle/extended friend circle/ social network. This is a good thing, indeed. For ages we had a limited stock of Indian authors we can call our own apart from the breed that bred outside India. And the ones that flourished here have a different genre. Here’s my personal, really democratically personal list of authors that caught my eye:

Khushwant Singh: He has crudeness about him that I immensely enjoy though I disagree with his comment, where he said that Indian writers in Hindi are not good enough. I wish I could gift him a “Dharamveer Bharti” someday and make him take back his words.

Shobhaa De: She is the diva, more of a jack of all trades and not actively present in fiction.

Sagarika Ghose: I won’t put her into the regular author category, though I loved her “Blind Faith” and hated her “Gin Drinkers”. She would always be the journalist.

Sudha Murthy: I must confess the only writing I have read by her is the Tata story from her and that was really inspiring, being a Mechanical Engineer I identify with her struggle. Her books somehow have an Enid Blyton feel about them (guessed from covers, of course!) I seriously need to buy one someday.

Arundati Roy: Someone please explain God of Small things to me!! I won’t comment on her latest comment. She somehow seems to be trying desperately to model herself to the lines of a distorted version of Suu Kyi. Anyway, no comments.

That covers my list of the older generation.

Next come the new-breed writers and of course it starts as below:

Chetan Bhagat: I give him the credit of revolutionising the young readers. But that’s about it. I enjoyed 3-idiots, liked the latest book too. But somehow something is amiss, still trying to figure out what!

The chick-lit : I don’t remember the names, but there are quite  a few and I do enjoy reading them.

Tuhin Sinha: Never read, but he has a prescence, coz I have heard the name! Some egoistic I am !!

Thats about it.

So I am really excited about the new bred Indians, who have a story to tell. I am one of them, so sure its a welcome change. But I am just worried about what happens next. Here’s what my observation says, either you hit the jack pot or you don’t. (Should I draw a flow chart?) Sounds fun!! So here it goes:

My point is I somehow still today admire the decency and privateness of JD Salinger, Emily Bronte etc. I accept that they lived in a different era and we are more of a open, media intruded society where what catches the eye, sells! But even after going through all the routes I prefer the last little red box of the chart above!
-(c) Dixy Gandhi.

I have a Dream...

I have a dream… What followed was the famous speech made by Martin Luther King Jr.

His Dream?

A society devoid of racial discrimination.

My dream?

Well… Let’s see what my dream is. While growing up, it kept changing a lot.  When I was 4, I wanted to be my mom, reason: Everyone listened to her! That was pretty impressive and I wanted that authority where people would take me seriously. She still has a knack of getting things done, be it from the maid, the plumber, my dad (does dad after plumber sound bad?), my sisters, me, almost everyone. I wanted that.

When I was in fifth grade, I wanted to be a poet, and I was pretty good, I wrote a poem titled “Pickle with Food” and it was a huge hit, at least in my school. The poem was an account of how food is tasteless unless it’s accompanied by the sweet-sour pickle. Basically what I wanted to convey was the analogy between food and life, how life would be boring without the little adventures and events that give life meaning. The weekend trip, driving on the highway, bungee-jumping, the first rush of your first crush, the first car you buy with your money, the first break-up. Life would surely be dull without these sweet-sour moments! (Okay, I’m kidding, as a fifth-grader the poem was about “pickle with food”, nothing else. But it was good, I had sincerely rhymed all the pickles-tickles, food-good, that was poetry then!)

Then I saw “Meri Jung” and I wanted to be a lawyer, what added fuel to this dream was a mini-series on ZEE, (the new adventure then, satellite television) titled “Vakalat’ which had the adorable Rahul Bose and Mohan Kapoor  (where is he now?) Donning black classic robes, the arguments, the background score, I was impressed. So that continued till 10^th grade. Then I sadly realized that life doesn’t have a background score, so my cases won’t be that exciting.

Then comes the 3-Idiots part, I finished 10^th and it was time to take the career decision. By that time I had finalized on: I want to be a writer, Moved on from good-food poetry to prose. Had written and directed a play in school and the accolades convinced me that I can be.  But 3-idiots style, I took up Mechanical Engineering and that I completed and rest they say is history… could’ve been the ending if I was someone like Mr. Murthy. But I’m not.

I continued writing in my diaries hid them from my prying sister under bed mattresses (She still managed to read though) and then with the advent of internet it was the password protected Private Blog. I love itJ what does writing do? It’s an escape from reality, when it gets too much to handle. I have a safe place, where I feel me again, a place alien to everyone where I go to find solace. Then the words flow like Ganges, The tak-tak of keyboard is Beethoven, Beatles, Linkin Park, AR Rahman (not CWG, Jhoota Hi Sahi Rahman, but the Rahman I grew up with, the Dil se waala Rahman) all at once. What I’m saying is that writing soothes me, the way maybe arguing a case and winning it for a client does it for a lawyer, managing home does it for Mom, Music does it for Rahman (again earlier one, seriously what’s happened to him?) So is it my dream?

Maybe yes, I have had no revelation where I woke up and realized that I wanted to a writer, I have had no childhood wishes where I strived hard to be one. I lived my life the way I faced each day as it came, all through I had a companion that made things easier when things got tough, so was that a dream?

If yes, I should be celebrating the fulfillment of my dream: My First Book, the one that had the courage to come out of the mattresses and password protection. The one that I believed in enough for the world to see. The one that’s a collection of my observations as an urban woman, the one that carries all my experiences and thoughts, the fictional account of my being a woman and enjoying every bit of it. An account of the others I observed, the questions I strived to find answers for.

That’s SHE:

My DREAM. And I owe this to everyone who made this possible. Names?

My mom- For letting me be awake far past bedtime, and letting me enter my fantasy world peacefully.

Nancy Gandhi- For prying, for reading every single line I wrote, for bugging me to finish the hundreds of unfinished stories, so she could read!

Kimsy Gandhi- the Aurangzeb, who believes writing is time waste, she has never read anything beyond her syllabus books, but it’s because of her that I have the luxury to write. Thanks to her for being supportive without understanding J

Dad: For being supportive, for being the first person who finished reading my book after release and provided constructive feedback. I’m blessed by a supportive Dad and I thank god for it.

Sonali Patil: For refusing to read a single line of my story, but waiting patiently to hear my latest flight of the imagination, and the oh-so-encouraging “Bhariii…. Awadlay mala”

Ragini Chowbe: She needs  a special mention here as she read each and every rough draft and provided honest feedback, she is a binary girl! So Either its Sexy!! Or “accha tha”- Translation: Good or bad.

Ankita Agarwal: My colleague, who read my first story and my unfinished novel and compared me to hosenni! (well she was reading him then, or else she would have said Chetan BhagatJ)

Vandana: She just plainly made my life easier, because of her I can communicate my inner most feeling without regret or worry.

Vivek Kabra: For circulating my first unfinished novel to every person known to him and then forwarding the feedback obtained. Seriously, he is a true entrepreneur. If my novel gets finished and published, he gets special mention.

Namdev: For being totally absent while I was writing, as he himself agrees! After release, I have no words for the support, as he has left no leaf unturned in his efforts.

Simon: For being an absolute treasure of information, he made me realize the importance of humility.

Prashanta: The publisher who agreed to publish  :-) Well on a serious note, he has been totally supportive and been like a mentor who made my transition from a shy specs-clad s/w professional to the born and growing up confident writer. (My confidence is in early teens now J thanks to him!)

And then there are many others who knowingly unknowingly contributed, But a sincere thanks to the person who said, “Piccasso won’t be Piccasso if he stopped painting just like that, you’ve to find yourself”

Sometimes, you need a little nudge and the above words did it for me. Thanks!

Bottomline: I have a dream, of being able to write a thousand billion words which everyone will read and appreciate, I took my first step towards it and it feels awesome.

Homework: Complete the sentence: I have a dream… and live it :-)

Responsible Media?

So there was a lot of misappropriation of money for CWG, the facilities are not world class, nothing is ready when the games are a fortnight away. Need to be thankful to the media for making me aware of these facts. But really can we move on? Every time I switch the TV on, all the major channels are highlighting the sorry conditions of the CWG venue, with the images of everything that went wrong. My point is, things went wrong, it’s totally unacceptable but why do we need to replay the facts over and over again?  One of the leading news channels had a very eye-catching one-liner “India shamed again”, shown on an Indian network as if it’s a matter to be proud of. Then there was this list of western nations that pulled out for various reasons, somehow I feel the media wants the CWG to be a huge failure.

What amazes me is the callous attitude of the media; they have done their job of highlighting our unpreparedness, but now what’s the benefit of replaying it?  I don’t say that let the culprits free, anyway considering the Indian law situation, the culprits behind this are going to go scot-free by playing the right cards or maybe the case would run till next time CWG comes to India and then the media will remember that there was a certain Mr. K who had wronged the nation and then they’ll replay the same images we see every day now.  Then the time would be right, not now!

Just few days back, Mr.Subrato Roy of Sahara made an emotional appeal in all newspapers, asking public to support the sponsors and asking the media to stop. But who listens? The point he raised is totally logical, why are we concentrating on things that went wrong, instead of rectifying the situation? From when did “India shamed yet again” become a thing to be advertised? In the battle of the TRPs why is national image taking a back seat? The media would I guess gain more respect if it now started concentrating on the steps being taken to salvage the situation without being sarcastic, instead of showing worthless interviews of useless Gora’s who have boycotted the games  citing hygiene, safety concerns. Frankly, we don’t need terrorists to come and harm us, the media is enough.   

I very much want an answer from everyone who has wasted my Taxpayers money, but that can wait, right now I want the CWG to be a success as much as the FIFA world cup was in another not-so-developed-country-by-western-standards.

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Another story that caught my eye was on another leading news channel, Mind you, when I say leading news channel, I mean the so-called leading English news channels. I had already given up on the Hindi news after the “Big B ne haath hilaaya” news when Mr. Bacchan was operated upon. So this leading news channel was going to show an exclusive movie on the Ayodhya issue, the real-story of Ayodhya, specially made for the 24^th decision on the issue. My question is, why now? On one hand, the police are all geared up for maintaining communal harmony, the PM issues an appeal to be unbiased, and the media fuels it by pulling out the old videos. I would like to know the real story behind it, but is it necessary to time it now when it can fuel up the minds of some un-employed youths?

It’s not the first time that the media is acting irresponsibly; we have had recent experiences of Mumbai Taj attacks and the coverage of Kargil war, when they in their efforts to lead the TRPs played with the safety of innocents. It’s high time; they woke up and realize that News channels are meant to give an unbiased coverage of happenings around the world. Their purpose is not to shock the world but give a decent account of things worth talking about.  Like Spiderman is taught the valuable lesson, “With great power, comes great responsibility”. It’s time the media woke up to theirs, they cannot bask in their power. Freedom of press, freedom to talk is all great but it comes with a responsibility of being responsible, which sadly the media isn’t.

I have heard from my parents and read the accounts of the media persons working for the National Network, about how they covered the riots connected to the 1984 assassination of Indira Gandhi. They said that they felt responsible for the manner in which they conveyed the news; the idea was to make the nation aware of the loss and not provoke the public. Somehow, that sentiment is absent in the new breed private channels.

The question that remains is, do we as Indians have lost the ‘love for nation’ when we blindly let the media infuriate us with their tone and post comments like “Boycott the games” on social networking sites? I agree that the feeling of betrayal is strong, but why can’t we maturely handle the situation at hand instead of crying over spilt milk? Why let the nation’s image suffer for the mistake of one set of politicians? If we are that hurt by the way it was handled, let’s be a bit undemocratic and sentence all those who were at fault under the strictest laws for tarnishing the image of India, do we have the courage for that?  It’s easy to keep blaming, what’s difficult is setting things right.

Tip for the media: North India and Delhi is flooded, many people (read BPL Indians) are subjected to inhuman living conditions and exposed to water-borne diseases, and I feel coverage of that is much more important than water-logging at CWG village. But guess that doesn’t make for a high TRP.

Nostalgia

Yesterday as I was driving from my Office, back home I was greeted with the verve of Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations which stand for Pune as I remember it. The Pandals located at fixed distances, with the magnificent Ganesh idols, the soft hymns, the occasional remixed songs, the lights, the festive spirit, all of it brought about some memories with it.

I first came to Pune in the same period, eight years back to join Engineering College, A painfully shy teenager who daily travelled 30kms to reach college. Pune was different back then. Six-seaters were still running, the roads were full of potholes; vada-paav was for 4 Rs, The numerous malls were not the part of the city skyline.  What remains same though is the spirit of Pune. Apart from the occasional core areas, I never felt left out. I was as much a part of the city as the city is of me.

The first day of college as I remember it was tense, I had joined late, so the groups were already formed. People knew each other and no one bothered to introduce each other. My being shy was not any help either. The next thing I remember vividly is the Ganesh festivities, with the roads jammed; I always worried about reaching home on time.  The extroverts planned a site-seeing throughout Pune and I struggled to reach home before sunset J

First Year of college soon rolled through, what I achieved in this first year was a group of five girl-friends who were fun. Some of them I lost touch with over time and some who are still the best of my friends. I lived on a stringent budget back then, so every day having snacks and juice (patties and sugarcane juice) near the college was indulgence. What significantly stands out is the innocence of the first year of college, the need to prove oneself, the sometimes bitchy sometimes sisterly attitude of teens, the stealing glances at your crush who somehow became a reason to attend college. I have enjoyed my best in the first year of college and still smile at the stupid jokes we cracked back then. I remember stifling laughs throughout the one hour lecture once, and that’s one of my happiest memories. Very soon the year was through and we were reshuffled to join our respective streams.

Second year of engineering passed with me always seated on the front desk oblivious to the rest of the folks behind me. For me no one existed beyond my desk. I vividly remember a very talkative, bubbly girl sitting beside me for a boring Maths session and getting bored more so by my silence. Later as we got closer, she confessed how much she cursed me for my silence.

The years passed through with all the ups and downs and very soon I was out of college. What changed the most in those 4 years was me.  More than the technical education, I value the education which changed me as a person. I still am introvert and take ages to open up. The friends that I made back then, some stayed, some drifted apart, rest are acquaintances I smile at when I run across them. But every one of them contributed to what I am today. As George Adams said:

“There is no such thing as a "self-made" man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.”

I  owe my mental makeup to many of such friends who unknowingly taught me many a things, be it laughing at stupid jokes, enjoying life, managing studies and fun or more deeper values like trust and friendship.  I always thought of myself as a person who has cloaked her shyness under arrogance and I occasionally wear my cloak inside out.

Growing up isn’t about age, it’s about the experiences which you learn from; I owe all my acquaintances the fact that they are the part of my experiences. Good or bad, it’s the experience that counts. Eight years back, as I wrestled in the crowd to catch a glimpse of the all famous Dagdusheth, I realized that the God of learning is not going to bless me based on my efforts to reach him, I am truly blessed because I have accepted and learnt and that’s what is expected out of me. So the silent prayer which I offered all thorough my four years of engineering, almost subconsciously as I drove past the Paud bridge and the Ganesh temple there, suffices for me. Here’s that prayer: “meri  galtiyaan maaf karna aur mujhe  sadhbuddhi dena” That’s all I can ask for. For rest everything, I have the banks and credit card J

Bottomline: This is the first time in years that I am not busy enough, first time in years that I have enjoyed the Ganesh festivities, first time in years when I have actually slowed down my two-wheeler to have a look at the Pandal and first time in years that the deafening music, be it hymns or remixed songs have not irritated me.  So maybe this is the first time that I feel at peace with myself. All thanks to the God of learning.

The Fitness Mantra :-)

Recently I had another bout of fitness consciousness (for those who’ve seen me you’re allowed the snide laugh). Anyway, this post is about what I discovered from my survey which lasted about a month. You see, fitness is a very important issue and needs a lot of consideration before one decides on what should one do for one’s wellbeing. The options are endless:
1. Regular Walking- Tried it for a month, what happens is this: I Sleep anywhere between 12 to 5 and then getting up in morning at 6 (if I slept at all) and putting on the shoes is a headache. So out of the whole month, guess I managed the walk for 12 days max.
a. Pros:
i. It’s a great stress buster and mind reliever.
ii. The morning air does wonders to your thought process.
iii. The only thing you need is your favorite set of songs and a bit of imagination and then you’re separated from the world, into your own dreamland. So it’s like walking on the ground and having the ability to picture yourself in live-karaoke singing ‘Watch me Shine’ or better still imagining the love of your life singing the best romantic song for you. Sweet. Point is the morning walk is totally entertaining.
iv. Pretty cheap. Actually free. No hidden cost, no plus service tax. Just you and your shoes.
b. Cons:
i. As I said, the waking up in the morning without any initiative, I don’t get to measure my performance, no hot guys jog in my joggers park, so it’s about 12 out of 30 days which is pretty undisciplined if one is looking at perfect fitness.
ii. The weather. I tried walking in the rain, but people give you weird looks!! Plus always a fear of coming down with flu. So yeah it’s totally dependent on the monsoon which in turn is totally unpredictable.
iii. The greatest limitation is my self consciousness. I have this ground near my home used by everyone for the morning fitness ritual. So it has a center ground where kids and college kids (Gosh! I am old) play football/cricket. The ground is surrounded by a walking track where uncles, aunties and grannies grandpas walk around. Amidst them, is me walking with my songs- So I complete one circle, then I think next circle I will run but my feet just refuse to obey me, next I think at least I will jog-This command is also rejected by my legs. In turn, my inner voice (the one that always came clad in whites in a mirror in old bollywood movies) shows me the reality. Here’s our conversation:
Me: Guess I will run for the next round.
Inner Voice: You must be kidding!
Me: What’s the harm? I am sure I can jog at least.
Inner Voice: See the kids in the ground? They are going to stop playing and start staring. See the Uncle at 5 o clock angle, yeah yeah! The one who lives opposite you, he is already stealing glances at you, Bet he is going to burst out laughing when u start running. And then slowly the world will come to a standstill and then everyone will be laughing!
Me: Rubbish! No one is even noticing me. No one even knows me here.
Inner Voice: That’s what you think! Go ahead, make a fool of yourself. As if I care!
Me: (Now a bit concerned) yeah, Maybe. Anyways, it’s rained yesterday so the ground is bit slippery. Guess will try the running tomorrow.
2. Swimming: This is something I thoroughly enjoyed. It’s fun + hectic + soothing. I was on cloud nine when I could swim 10 laps without a break in a 25 m pool. Why did I stop? Yes, the rains played havoc. Plus "the cannot measure the performance" thing. I mean I know I was getting good on my stamina but could not see the difference in me also it leaves the hair dry and frizzy throughout the day. (Being a girl, vanity always wins). Another side effect I ate like a pig when I used to swim, which further put me in depression psychologically. Still, given a chance I enjoy swimming now and then.
3. Gymming: Now comes the big market of gyms. Recently, I took a auto from Kalyaninagar to Kothrud and on the route started counting the number of gyms, by the time I reached my destination I had given up after counting close to 40 (including the slimming centers ). Point is this business is flourishing, so now Let’s move on to what I found in my survey:
a. The number of gyms I called for direct enquiry- 4
i. One of the operators of one of the leading gyms (which compared their discounts with the rains in Pune) told me point blank that she cannot give me any details unless I go there. Apparently, their procedure was to scan a candidate and then jot a fitness plan based on the candidate’s extent of obesity and then they decide upon how much to charge. My point was, just because I am calling a gym to enquire doesn’t mean that I am obese, Rgt? (Before anyone says," But you’re" please read the definition of obesity, it’s for people with BMI> 30. I am in the safe range of 25 )
ii. The internationally acclaimed (rich metal) gym: It had a very rude and so-called self acclaimed ‘high society socialite’ at the reception. And I used a two-wheeler to commute. So she asks me to fill up the details and then proceeds to tell me the exorbitant prices. Naturally, by now she had judged me as will-not-be-able-to-afford category. Anyway I walked out before I could throw a fit at their charges.
iii. My old gym  well I contemplated joining that. It was pretty good managed by doctors and they helped me a lot during my previous bout of fitness consciousness last year. But then why had I left? I moved and now its too far.
iv. Another international chain of gyms. So I call them and they tell me that anytime has a time limit. Point taken  the person on phone was concentrating more on his fake accent then the info he was giving me out. I mean I get it that you belong to an international chain, but why fake the accent? I really get put off by this, but anyway I went there in my desperation only to be told that I have to pay a membership fees valid for 9 years + monthly usage fee. My point is, I don’t even know where I will be next year, why would I invest for nine? Plus who guarantees there presence for 9 years? Weird logic!
That’s it about my various options. There were some minor ones which I tried out
1. Badminton: Totally dependent on my sis for that.
2. Sauna: Always in thoughts, never called the telebrand Guess I still have my brains in the right place.
3. VLCC Gels: Seriously, people who do business just know the pulse of the frustrated over-eating Indian.
4. Ree-Tone: 5600 bucks? Are you kidding me? I can join a gym in half the price!
5. GM Diet: Done it when I was younger and stupider  I eat like a pig after the stipulated 7 days and gain all the water lost pretty soon.
6. Weekend trekking trips: Fun actually. Climbed Sinhagad for a month, every Sunday. And barged on bhaji and dahi upon reaching the top. End result: sore feet, eating more than I burned, Flexon MR Addiction.
7. Eating less- Actually trying to eat less. Never works  being a true bred Punjabi I can’t do without my weekly dose of chicken.
Final Decision: Sheepishly, I confess that I ended up joining a gym, where the rates matched the facilities. The people were good enough. No fake accents.Near my home so accessible. My logic is plain- I have paid them, so unlike the free walk which I ditched most of the time, I will at least be regular, i.e. get up and go because I invested my hard-earned money  this btw proves why the health market is flourishing. More so why the gyms are flourishing.

THE LIST - Reloaded :-)

Year back, I made a list of things I want to do before I turn 30 and then I forgot :-) So just thought that I will revisit the list and see what all I managed to do and what all is left... So here are some additions and deletions to the list.

1. Learn spoken french : I am still stuck on Je t'amie, D'accord.
2. Bungee jump once: Yet to do, but at least have reached the stage where I can be sure that the rope won't snap.
3. Learn professional Bharatnatyam: Still not done :-(
4. Visit the Ice Hotel..( i need cash!!!) - Yet to.
5. Write a book and get published.( maybe win a man-booker prize, now this is getting serious)- Partly Done :-)
6. Have Dinner on Eiffel tower. - Not Done :-(
7.Escape marriage... yeah rgt. This I need to reinforce and remember.
8. Find a Spanish bf. -Not applicable anymore :-) Thats called growing up.
9. hmm... now am thinking.. yeah own a business empire where i rule things.. trust me ..job is no fun... ( if i have to sum up my past experiences it was like.. a half baked cake strutting out of a oven shouting on a yummy delicious blackforest tht the blackforest is black... (and here blackforest= me)(thk god!! i escaped now i've started living again...and the credit goes to...who else.. me!!!) so business,,, cool i have the ideas. - Yup Still have ideas.
Now the additions,
10. Get a tattoo saying "Nischay kar apni jeet karo" in Gurmukhi.
11. What else? Will Keep on adding.
Makes me realise that there are many :-( than :-)  and this again makes me realise that i need to keep revisiting the list. There are many things we can let go but if the wishes remain unfulfilled thats the biggest loss. So yeah, time is short.. Miles to go before I sleep.

Suburban Girl

"Archie Knox: Why won't you marry me?
Brett Eisenberg: Are you asking me to explain?
Archie Knox: Yes, I am

Brett Eisenberg: When I look at you, I see a teacher. But when you look at me, you see a student. Because you like to run away. It's part of who you are. Because, in the end, a girl can't grow up until she looses a father and leaves an Archie"

Background: Insomania Ofcourse! Why is my every thought related to insomnia?  In one of the episodes of HIMYM, Ted Mosby reminiscences that nothing good happens after 2 am in my case, the bulb always lights up after 2 am, in short all my major turning-points are the result of the introspective sessions I have after 2 am, when the coffee strikes my brain and I am usually curled up on the sofa with a book in hand or a remote control.
Some days back, it was the Remote control, and "Suburban Girl" playing on Zee Studio. Alec Baldwin commands you to stop and take notice so I did. Whats so good about the movie? In the strictest sense, its the typical Hollywood Drama/ Romance which would fail if a remake was made in Bollywood,but like many other flops that somehow teach me something suburban girl taught me something too.

Lesson: We always have choices in life, even the most pessimistic person on earth has a choice to alter his/her lifestyle, one just has to see it. I remember way back when I first entered the corporate world in one of the pseudo-intellectual sessions (The boring HR ones, that claim to make you a better person but basically suck) I was asked if I regret anything in my life and I said NO, I dont. In retrospection, I still dont. I could have made different choices opening up a different path altogether, kind of a alternative timeline but I dont wish for that. I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of being alive, sufficiently mourned for all the sad moments, given the right amount of attention and love to all those I came across, made my share of mistakes and learnt from them.

So why this reassesment now? Well, lately I was wondering if all that I lost along the way was worth it? The kind of thoughts that seep through your subconcious mind and make u think at nights (Actually I think its coffee!). And I have the answer, I made the right choice! Not because its a temporary high phase, not because I need to feed my ego, not because I want to show the finger to all those who doubted me but just because I made it, I just realised that Right or wrong depends on u, noone else can judge ur decisions because noone else knows u as well as u do. I could've taken suggestions, closed my eyes and let destiny decide for me, but would that feel mine? That would have been an escape, a selection of someone to blame if things go wrong and in my dream world things never go wrong. (When they do, I just change the tags ;-))

Conclusion: Again refering to HIMYM:
" TED:No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!

 LILY: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?

Maybe it doesnt, but to me it does :-) And thats all that matters at the end of the day. I stand because of the choices I made, not because destiny pushed me there and thats a relief. So in conclusion, just like the Suburban Girl, I am growing up (At 26 :-)),making my own decisions, laughing at my mistakes, falling in love with myself w/o the doubts of teenage and enjoying every moment of it, every tear of it coz thats how we learn. There's no escape to learning, no 'shortcut to happiness' (Another Baldwin movie, I loved). All of it is just worth it!

Maid of Honour

This one is dedicated to a girl-woman I have known for the last decade. Like every other girl-next-door, even she had dreams and aspirations; dreams in-line with her circumstances.And I have seen her work really hard to achieve them. She was a practical gal, so she did not wish for a Switzerland trip, or Mercs and Bentleys the only thing she wished for was a happy marriage.She started her day at 6 in morn and worked till eve to save money for the grand day and when the time came her only demand was for that of a non-alcoholic husband, a wish rare in her strata of society.Over the years, she did not budge from this one demand, rejected the prospective grooms her poverty struck parents threw at her, earned the mocking glares of her relatives for her ego (a word equivalent to havoc in her society) but she was adamant and I admired her. She had every right to demand given the hardships life had thrown at her.


And then the day finally arrived,there were no compromises as she happily informed us all that finally she had found her match. Her happiness was infectious and away she went... only to return some years later with a baby, an unexplainable disease that clubbed her feet and numerous scars on her fragile frame that narrated the abuse her alcoholic husband inflicted on her.

She smiled as she blamed her fate as there was no single person she could blame. Not her parents coz they just wanted to finish their responsibility by marrying her off. Not her husband because he did not even know how important it was for her and for him it was the way wives were to be treated and she fought as long as she could. But now the glint in her eyes is gone as she has given up her fight against her luck.

"Maybe I demanded too much, Did I?" she asked me the other day.

I had no answer. I wanted to assure her that her one wish was justified. That she did not deserve what she got, She had the right for that one thing when she was ready to compromise on everything else. But her condition made me shut up, as I realised that given my comforts and luxuries I can only give her false assurances, long stupid lectures on women rights, philosphical passages bootlegged from books she could never read but I can never be her and face the heat. I am shamed by her strength. My only regret is the unfairness of it all.

She damn well had every right to her wish, a practical, fair, logical one that would have assured her life-long happiness. But then how many of us really get that? The repurcussions are maybe not that grotesque but we do compromise, even if we claim to hate that word, we do just that.The journey through the real world begins with a compromise as we let go of certain long held principles to embrace the happiness life throws at us.

Its simple, life in fiction, in thoughts is easy, where we live by our own rules. The moment you step in the real world, the first project we are given checks our Rigidity and then its upto us to break or bend.

After seeing my broken idol,I am learning to bend. Is it worth it though?

Only time will tell.

Finally a blog on the blog :-)

A song which is so very true and is the theme for this blog :-)
Dunno why i Keep hearing it often.. That reminds me I can make a list of songs which I listen to often when alone.
1. In the end doesnt even matter... LinkinPark
2. I belong to you..Muse
3. Tujhse Naraaz nahi Zindagi..Mausam
4. Aazmaale Aazmaale.. Taxi No.9211
5. Je Te Donne...Jean Jacques Goldman
6. Thayya Thayya..Dil se
7. Leave out all the rest..Linkin Park

The list goes on..For now..the song on the topmost of my mind...

The You tube video

"It starts with one thing
I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal

Didn't look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn't even know

Wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter


I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time

I tried so hard


In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so (far)

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me (in the end)

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter "

Move on

Sex and the CIty 2- Loved the Series, Hated the Movie.
I remember when the original series was playing on HBO, the name was offensive enough, then with the advent of  internet and Torrents, the sequence was pretty natural, Friends, Office, Sex and the City. And I liked it, I was the closet watcher of the series, a big fan of  Carrie Bradshaw inspite of her quirks, I forgave her unwilingly when she cheated on Aidan, I loved the weird and very bold Samantha inspite of her insatiable drive,In the series,Samantha had a class somehow, I still remember her dialogue after the Aidan episode, when Carrie says tht , "C'mmon Judge me, Hate me" and she replies with "Thats not my style." I loved her for it. I mean its difficult and very rare to find friends who dont judge u.  You can spend years with ppl trusting them, relying on them, sharing your deepest secrets with them not knowing that they have formed an image of u, judged u and passed the sentence, worse still advertised it to the world. So Samantha was lovable from that aspect.
The thing I fail to understand is  when the characters are already established, why go into the pain of re enforcing their personality traits? Carrie is indecisive, emotionally weak, self centered somehow- Aceepted. Why does she need to go to Abu Dhabi, run into Aidan to make the movie run the 2 hrs, 30 mins.. Samantha had to hurt the religous sentiments of a country ruled by its ethics to establish her openess.. the movie somehow does not make sense... its like my earlier sentiment that people should know when to stop. You made amazing 6 seasons and a decent first movie, but that is it, one cannot keep banking on the same old story. Carrie and her friends should retire peacefully now, time to move on.
One cannot and should not attach one self to anything tht makes moving on difficult. Sometimes, its worth it to enjoy the feeling till it lasts and cherish the memories than to drag it. That reminds me :

"Taarruf rog ho jaaye to usko bhoolnaa behtar


Taalluk bojh ban jaaye to usko todnaa achchha

Voh afsaana jise anjaam tak laana na ho mumkin

Use ek khoobsoorat mod dekar chhodna achchha"

PS: Applicable to everything that drags one down, makes one feel down or hurts one. The only person U have to live with for the rest of ur lives is U, why compromise?

Confusions

I remember when I turned 23, I had decided to get "serious" in life, the steps I took were to tear off the 'Arjun Rampal" posters from my room , order new furniture, kinda like the bedroom set thingy, in a hope that it would, shall, can, maybe change my outlook towards life. Now 3 years later, am still the same, who takes each day as it comes. I am not exactly a character out of 'wake up sid' or any of the grow-up movies, but still I lack the "ambition" gene that poeple around me have. I have come up with a list of things I cant and wont do even if I try:

1. Brag about myself, I mean if I have devoted 6 months to say save the earth from devastation, I would shut the hell up unless someone specifically asks me to elaborate and even then I would give a brief account of it and not go on and on abt how I had a meeting with God and we decided to save mankind.. blah blah... point is I fail to understand ppl who do tht. Usually i just stare at such ppl and think, "Bravo!" Point is- Keep the accolades, I dont need them if I need to beg. Seriously, boasting is equivalent to begging for attention.
2. Listen to nonsense- Now this is relative, things I believe are nonsense and a total waste of time, somehow turn to be life-savers. But as long as its nonsense based on my perception, it is nonsense! And yes, I've full right to escape to my "fantasy world" so friends if you think I am not paying attention, your fault in entireity! I prefer the nonsensical Prince on white horse than your blabber and I'm not apologising.
3. Dress up- For all my North Indian friends, be prepared to see me in Jeans & Tee at your wedding, I am done dressing up forcefully and under no obligation would I wear anything that sparkles! And to my Fashion Designer frds, keep your ideas to yourself, for me my fav Jeans and my Twilight Tee is fashion, ppl do look back, so thats fashion rgt? I guess showering everyday is more than enough and paying any more attention on my attire is waste of time and efforts. I have better things to do in life, which includes blogging ;-)
4. Propose- Yeah rgt, with all my quirks and a tattoo and my addiction with "Sex and the City- The series" and my usual Jeans, I cant and wont do tht. (Too old fashioned ;-)). If i do, it would be desperate measures,but no.. wud i? maybe, can i? maybe.. But yeah u know its better to ask then turning 70 and damning myself that "waht if I had asked tht 1 person" . On second thoughts, I dont think I can, atleast face 2 face, or on phone, or otherwise.. Damn!
5. Get too ambitious: This includes Point 1 above, I cannot be a crab, wont pull someone down to reach the top, What the hell am I doing in an MNC? But I dont have high aims, and guess cant get high aims, I just prefer my "things to do before I turn 30 list" That reminds me, time to renew the list.
6. Hypocrisy: Picture this, I have many frds who smoke, drink etc, but thats normal okay, coz they r guys, if a girl does the above, they turn up their noses, so I cant and wont stand such ppl. Being a Punjabi, I have many relatives who fall in that list. So guys, either get saintly or stop expecting a saint. Recently, someone at a party wid a drink in hand, came to talk to me and said in full gusto in an futile effort to please me, " I dont keep my drink in view of girls" as he hid it in his other hand, my only Query was, "Dude, then finish your drink and then come and chat me up", I'm not impressed by this hypocrisy. 

Point is, Maybe I am hypocritical, maybe I am aimless, but I have a set of principles by which I live. I just realised that changing furniture did not change me, I am stuck wid the principles I had at 23 or 18, So guess I wont grow more than tht. Guess than I shd stick to my dreams of wining a Booker and be outcast forever!

Feline Life

Something I wrote recently, after not attempting poetry for years during which Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Keats and like were resting peacefully, I give them reason to take a turn in their graves yet again by trying it..


Feel feline as I live all my nine lives,

In an equal amount of hours given to me,

The so-called notions are out of the window

And sanity is something i fail to see

Am running and failing as my mind strives,

To decide if its such a must

or a thing which i can forego

the line between respect and adoration is thin,

And guess I travelled in gust

The blurred partition long ago.

Its darker out here, As I battle alone

Knowing its nothing but a lost one

My enemy is first my swollen ego

And then you, who wont ever dream the way I do.

- (c)Dixy Gandhi

When Cupid Strikes…

I consider myself as a fairly practical person, so yeah I don’t believe in any of the “love conquers all”, “Marriages are made in heaven” or any other clichéd sh**t aptly advertised by Yash Chopra and clan. But recently, I have been meeting people who are testing my patience and that leads to interesting debates.

I don’t know what gives rise to such discussions, maybe it’s the fact that my friend circle has touched the silver line of 25 and suddenly everyone is smart, mature, engaged or in a relationship. So yeah every meeting in Café Coffee Day is heated with the conversations that we have, in contrast to the chilled tropical iceberg’s everyone is sipping. So then I decided to do some of my own soul searching through blogging (because it’s in fashion, ofcourse!) Another reason is that I am the only cynical in my group, so instead of arguing with all, its better here, no one can cut me out mid sentence with… “aga pan.. kasa asta…” and there goes my strongest argument point, lost in the blabber. So guys Shut up and Listen!
I have been thinking, so now, I take the stance of Carrie Bradshaw and type it out while sipping coffee. ..
How changed are we? Like if I look around, all the people irrespective of gender are looking out for that perfect person. (Sorry friends for giving you out! But you know you’re :-)) But…

But But… its the new millennium, so even the most romantic person has a long list of If’s and but’s to fall in love. For example: “ No re… I want someone who is from so and so place”, “ I want someone who is same caste, color.. gotra..Watever” “I want someone from my own field” “ I want some one who is at least 6 ft tall (oops..thats me ;-)). The point is everyone wants to fall in love, okay! No arranged marriage because that’s what is for losers, that’s the general notion, but then isn’t all the criteria an arrangement too? So guys, either digest the fact that you are looking out for some arrangement and hence don the traditional, practical hat or else just let go of your prejudices and let destiny takes its course.

One of my more sorted out friend recently commented “nahi re Click hona chahiye”.

So another question…what’s this click? Something inexplicable? Don’t think so.
It can just be put that if you have the right kind of equation with someone and when all the above criteria doesn’t matter anymore, that’s when you know that it has clicked ;-) You know in a very hypothetical way if you imagine your life ahead irrespective of the fact that, the person is not Brad Pitt that you secretly wanted to marry or not from your field or caste or city, but still its okay, it does not matter, that’s when you know it has clicked. Right?
The point is, why the hell are we so confused? Like if I look at the people about 4 yrs older, they guess knew what they wanted. Or for that matter, the older generation had no other way other than the traditional. And we, we want everything but on our own terms. So the all romantic, fairytale has to have a tailor-made prince/princess. Like we imagined, nothing else will do.
Why does conditions creep into a thing which is supposed to be you know brain-free? I mean I am kind of dead sure that once you really think about it, nothings going to matter and then comes the confusion, How d hell did it happen????!! So the next step is of the cynical, strong, independent us wondering what really happened. Why complicate everything?
So in conclusion and without further confusions, guys, just have fun and let things happen as they do. In short, take the hand away from the steering wheel of your life and let the accident happen, that would be the ‘click’! Who exactly is the cynical here now???

The three taboo subjects.

One of the very first trainings of the corporate world included ‘personality development’ (Yeah right, you see for 23 long years I had no idea that the way I talked, smiled, sat, stood, walked, ate was all wrong! Great revelation at such age). So we received a lecture on how to do all the aforementioned things properly i.e. in a way which should be acceptable globally, which means that if I am in UK I should hold the fork in the left hand and if in US it should be in right hand. (Or was it vice versa?) It was a grueling session after which I literally had to open the faucet (or is it the age old tap?) to pour some water on my head to cool it. (Okay I just added this line to reinforce how I felt at the end of it, Confused!!) The point is (what was my point exactly?) that if for time immemorial the British and the Americans cannot come to a single usage of their very own language, why should I bother to be technically correct?


Another fact which I vividly remember from that training was this: (Now comes a bit of story telling for better visualization)

The trainer in its (I’m using neutral gender to make it more of a fictional account, not to be taken personally!) flamboyant style gave out a statement which was as follows, I remember it verbatim, What it said was- “There are three things one should not discuss in public- Religion, Sex and Politics.”

So am bit confused here okay, I agree with the viewpoint that they are all kind of provocative subjects which can lead to altercations. But then there’s another side to it. Come to think of it, if all of our generation, 16-36yrs old, counting from the time of 1991 when the government opened gates to global companies after the 21% devaluation of Rupee opened their eyes and a man who is a great economist (but sadly not-so-great PM) piloted our country to a better path. So this age group was re- taught the global ways that included staying away from the taboo subjects. I am not exactly against the globalization but somehow that one statement refuses to leave my mind. The way I understood it, and I may be wrong, what the trainer implied was that to come out as a civilized, well-behaved executive representing a global company one should not discuss such things. Point taken. But again, picture this.

1. The crime rate in India, especially the crime against women is quite high. One of the contributing factors to this statistics is the lack of education, no freedom of expression and yeah right, the hushed tones! (We are civilized remember?)

2. The years marked in red: 1947, 1984, 2002 etc by the communal riots. The reason being the lack of tolerance in general public.

3. And our current state politically!

But what we have is indifference, because that’s what we have been taught. And no amount of bollywood flicks and sporadic missions initiated with vigor by activists and conveniently forgotten later is going to change the basic indifference. We are in fact stuck with an educated young population too busy in making their mark, an over active media too busy in scandalizing and some selected few who know how to make the above two dance to their tunes.

So now a quick list of things I should let go:

I am supposed to be indifferent to the recent terror attacks, the root cause of which is corruption, what else can be the reason for the frequent attacks, why is it that the US of A had just one after which no one can touch them but we are the punching bags? We are supposed to be a young nation with just 63 years of independence, where’s the patriotism gone? It again can be connected to politics so no talking of that please.

The cases pending from the riots of 1984 are still on, but no talking of that again, what if its 26 years too late.

Recently, Rahul Gandhi politically tried to brave the regional politics, there was a lot of politics involved, so yeah we all watched it on the tele and maintained safe distance, but he said something while addressing the students in Kerala, what he said was this, “I don’t expect the majority of you to spend most of your time in politics, but be aware, just awareness of the fact that in our country two different ideologies exist, one which says and sticks to ‘we all are Indians’ and that everyone has the right to be wherever they want to be and the other ideology that brings disharmony.”

Apart from the politics of the whole issue I liked this particular part which at least talked about changing the indifference to awareness.

I hope that in the rat race to come out as the civilized beings who maintain decorum we don’t lose our opinions, our ideologies and our morals. That would be too much of loss and not worth it.

So seriously, lets start talking about the taboo subjects.

All it takes is a disclaimer..

Before I get into the main story... a bit of background about how I landed up there. It started with the release of New Moon (the Twilight saga) and me listening to the OST of the movie and me again falling in love with the track “I belong to you…”by Muse.( Awesome song, listen it here: http://www.youtube.com/watchv=LMQuOkQyezU&feature=related) Like all other things I was impatient to share this song with my friends. So a week back, when I met them and we had hit the highway, it seemed like the perfect setting to unleash the greatness of the song to them, unfortunately I had already killed the battery of my motou9 (its not good on battery backup) by overenthusiastically listening to that Muse song about twenty times from the morning (and I am not exaggerating!)


So the next thing I did was remove the memory card of my cell and try to place it into my friend’s cell, one thing led to another and to cut a long story short, my memory card was stuck in her Nokia cell and for the week that followed and still is following I was left with my Motou9 minus the amazing songs and a FM radio..

Woof... that’s the background about how I landed up listening to FM in the first place!

So now, the three choices of FM I tuned into:

1. The all ad channel
2. The we are different channel
3. The promote us and get insulted channel.

And the reasons I was put off by each one of them

1. lots of ads with repetitive songs
2. Lots of ad about the fact that they don’t really repeat any song
3. Lousy, down-market language.

So now the sequence in which I got put off,

1. The promote us and get insulted channel: While it started with a disclaimer that they don’t intend to insult/hurt/ offend the sentiments of the said celebrities, whose voices they use to apparently promote their channel. I heard two such voices, but in spite of the disclaimer I was offended by the way the promo was aired. I mean it has some stupid loser going on and on about the acting talent of the said celebrity and the personal relationship etc etc. Point is, call me a bit held up but there’s a thin line between fun and vulgarity and from my perspective the said channel crossed it. Enough for me to move on…

2. The all ad channel: Now this is pure nostalgia, Eight years back when I had come to Pune, this channel was new. I remember that back then, radio culture was dead and this channel kinda revived it. I also remember that back in my PG accommodation, it was on all the time. It played some brilliant tracks and was a perfect mix of all the old bollywood melodies which I had forgotten so I got to listen to” Aisa na mujhe tum dekho..” and “Mujhe Pyaar tumse nahi hai nahi hai..” after many years on this channel alongwith the typical BoyZone, Backstreet Boys tracks and the Dil Se, Deewana tracks which were huge then. Now as I went back to it, it was just too much of ads and a long wait to listen to a song... maybe my timing was wrong.

3. The we are different channel: The longest I Was tuned in to is this. But the next time they say that they don’t repeat any song unlike other radio stations I am going to smash my FM... Seriously, Point taken, can we move on?

So that’s my experience on the radio scene these days, I am not a regular listener and still am waiting eagerly to get my memory card back so that I can go back to the repetitive songs of my play list. But the whole experience made me think about the competition in today’s world and the heights to which the media goes to claim the top slot. Also, what happened to the good old humor where the fun was not on somebody else’s expense but was subtle which left a smile on the face without having to insult someone? I may enjoy the Bakra on MTV but given a choice will watch “chupke chupke” happily for the 100th time.

Call me old fashioned, but I seriously will thank a said celebrity if he/she promotes my work rather than pass comments on their work, is it even humor? Apparently, all it takes is a disclaimer before we start assaulting someone in today’s world.

My fictional world

One of my all time favourite books, "Alice in Wonderland" and one of my favourite fictional chracters the Cheshire cat. I loved the madness and the grin. The cat is also famous for the logic and the conversations it has with Alice(http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Cheshire_Cat).
I personally like the "we all are mad here" quote. Its just a matter of perspective, is it not?
Another favourite character from the same author is Humpty Dumpty and his nonsensical talk with Alice in "through the looking glass". Especially when he remarks that, "When I choose to use a word, it means only what i choose it to mean, nothing more, nothing less." Kinda egotistical, but lovable.
Lewis Caroll made the two characters totally lovable and its silly but i like them better than Alice.
If i may say so, the cheshire cat is my idol and a fond remembrance to stay mad.
Whenever my sense of humor gets to the verge of exasperation I love to hear "you're mad" so that I can reply with "We all are mad here." I have a customised Tee ordered and to be delivered soon, which reads we all are mad here.
The characters are also a reminder to stay young at heart, in fact the book can cure one of any level of depression, trust me on this! I have a record of staying depressed for about 10/12.
Another era, another author, another genre. I am lately getting addicted to Nick Hornby. After watching "high fidelity" which i saw for John Cusack and "about a boy" which was for hugh grant, I finally discovered Hornby and he is one another person who makes one forget the woes of life. The words just flow like an conversation from his pen and i have finished all his fiction but i keep going back, especially to the opening paragraphs of High fidelity where the guy lists down his all time top five breakups. worth a read anytime!
Coming to the serious world, I had a serious crush on Howard Roark, he is too idealistic, but I love him for his ego and his belief in himself. and for the quotes, be it his conversation with his principal or the place where Toohey asks him what he thinks of him and  he replies with "But i dont think of you."  Then theres my favourite quote of the book, where he tells dominique to not get too attached to his work, I dont remember the exact words (and this write up is from memory so yeah am lazy and i refuse to pick the fountainhead up from the bedside even when right now am about an hand away from it) but Roark says something like" it effects me to a certain level, and then i feel nothing, and i am good till that something in me remains untouched. i cant feel too bad"(ok i ruined it). but i love the dialogue specially the something untouched part.

Next on the list has to be the "Wuthering Heights". I kinda struggled to finish it. The classics always put me to deep slumber but thats my new year resolution to finish off as many classics as i can which translates to a lot of sleep this year. Back to the heights, I loved the dark, deep, stormy connection between Catherine and Heathcliff. The quotes: When Heathcliff says that he wont have hurt Edgar though he hated him, but once Catherine's regard for Edgar ceased, he would have torn his heart and drunk his blood. grotesque!!

Blind Faith: though I hate the author (not because she is beautiful, sucessful and a published author, all the things that i aspire to be) but because she wrote blind faith which was good and she owes me 500 bucks coz i bought gin drinkers and its the most stupid book i ever read. but not blind faith. I loved it. It magnifies my fav character from Mahabharata "karna" but its not just tht, i was once compared to the main character in the book, indi, which made me read the book and i was an instant fan! she was the female Howard Roark. and definately not me.
This exhausts my list of fav fictional characters to whom i keep returning to, when reality gets too much to handle, the fictional world is the only escape.
Where are my sanity pills again??