Next day I took an off from work and was standing at the
airport to receive Arjun. My head held high, I knew he would
give up on me finally and I would be free.
Arjun walked in moments later with a blonde girl in tow
whom he introduced as his colleague from work. She was sweet
and smiled a lot, with her every flash of teeth I had a strong
urge to break them all. Throughout the drive from the airport
to my house, Arjun kept whispering something in her ear and
she kept smiling. They held hands and I kept looking out of
the window. He had indeed given up on me, but I failed to feel
the right kind of happiness at my victory.
Hours after his arrival, Arjun knocked at my door.
“So now am real enough for you?”
I did not get his question. So I refused to answer him. He
kept looking at me and his eyes were difficult to read, it was
not anger, it was not resentment, it was something which I had
never seen before. We stood like that for few seconds and then
I broke down.
“Why did you make me do this, Resh?” he asked and I had
no answer. I had no answer for my suspicion, for my inability
to believe. That question was enough for me to jolt back to
reality though,
“You go back Arjun, you don’t belong here.”
“That’s for me to decide.”
“And me as well” I added.
“And where do you think you belong?” he questioned.
The only answer I had was “nowhere” but that was not
acceptable.
I had a kink.
“Can you not get really infuriated and leave?” I asked him
instead.
“No I would just find a way to get back to you and we can
play at this forever and play at other people too, what say?”
He never once asked me why I so wanted him to leave, I
wont have been able to answer if he would have asked me
anyway. I was a hypocrite, I missed him terribly when he left
and showed that I didn’t give a damn when he arrived. I was
scared, scared of revealing my true self, scared of showing him
how much he really mattered to me. But he knew and that’s
why he understood and that’s why he forgave.
(iv)
Arjun continued his very obvious PDA in my house and I was
subjected to disapproving looks from my parents because my
loss was that blonde’s gain.All of which made me see Mudit yet
again, the idea was to be honest with him, tell him that I was
still haunted by the ghosts from the past; the giant, very
handsome ghost actively showcasing his talents in my drawing
room right now was enough to make me run to the fake mirage.
I decided to drop in enough hints to make him understand my
view point.
Make me less of a sinner.
“So Mudit would you be concerned if your girlfriend had
had past relationships?” I asked him just for the sake of
conversation.
He looked unperturbed and continued typing on his
computer without as much as battling an eyelid, even as he
replied in negative and then added a question of his own.
“Are you suggesting that you’re my girlfriend?”
Good question. Nothing was official between us. We were
just hanging out, not officially dating each other, not officially
declared a couple and not officially bound to be together, so
how did this thing work?
In our favor.
For now.
“No I’m not, it was a hypothetical question.”
He nodded.
“Would you be concerned if I had a past?”
“I guess no.”
He did not answer my question; I ended up answering my
own question.
He kept looking at me for some time and then raised his
hand to touch the dark circles under my eyes.
“Losing your sleep over something honey?” I winced at the
endearment but did not reply.
“Some past haunting you?”
I chickened out.
“Will you fall into a relationship just to get out of an old
one?” I asked instead.
Mudit smiled, maybe he got my hints.
“No, I won’t. I would wait until the wounds healed.” He
replied with all the sincerity.
“I would.” I nearly whispered.
“You would, what?”
“Fall into a relationship on rebound.” I looked straight at
him.
“I still wont.” He smiled. He thought my confession was to
trap him. My confession was the truth which bypassed his
egotistical mind.
I could not bring myself to be upfront about it to him and
with the passage of time and the deepening of Arjun’s affection
for the blonde my dark circles deepened. Mudit was a mute
spectator and I felt like I was cheating him, I did not have the
courage to call it off. I made sure that I meet him everyday.
It gave me something else to do, even when my mind was
preoccupied, it was a nice escape. I enjoyed the attention,
wanted someone, something to fall back to, show off to.
Whenever I stepped out of the house, Arjun would give me
a knowing smile like we were sharing a secret.
“I’m going out” I would yell out to no one in particular, just
so that Arjun could hear and know whom I was going to be
with. He kept smiling with no remorse and no regrets.
He confronted me on the last day of his visit as I was
stepping out of the house.
“I got your point, you need not do this anymore.” He said
as I looked at him and feigned ignorance.
“I’m getting married.” He announced.
This time I smiled and walked out of the house.
Its true in a way, when the door to your heart is tight shut,
nothing can penetrate it, and you just feel an occasional tug,
when your deep asleep morals sometimes wake up to give you
sleepless nights instead. I still was having the fling with Mudit;
my mind would be miles away when Mudit’s brain concentrated
on me which was not fair to anyone. But it wasn’t like I was
addicted. He wasn’t even my antidote on the addiction to Arjun.
It was just a bad case of drug overdose, where you take one
medicine and it overreacts and then you are given another one
and the side effects are even bad. I was suffering from many
of the effects. I did not even know where I would land at the
end of it all, maybe in a mental asylum, but I was ready to take
any bet to not land up being with Arjun. I surely had a kink.
The week was up and it was time for Arjun to go back and
needless to add time for me to say bye to Mudit, but even that
was difficult. I could not. I had something very human left in
me. I could not do this either, he made it easier on me though.
He just vanished. I would be a hypocrite if I declare that I was
happy about it. I was sad and hurt, deeply hurt. My ego was
battered, I felt used and thrown. My mind went over a thousand
reasons over why he would do it to me. No email, no phone
call, no text message, nothing. When earlier I was bombarded
with obscenely high amount of his presence, his absence was
hurting. He just vanished in thin air. Like he never even existed,
did I deserve this treatment? Looking at my intentions in the
first place maybe I did. Does anyone deserve this treatment?
Answer to this is simple. A simple, Plain No.
It was the age old hunter became the hunted syndrome.
Would it make a difference to Mudit if he somehow knew
all this?
If I had confessed my intentions earlier?
I figured out that it won’t make a difference to him, that he
had achieved all that he set out to achieve for himself and
somewhere in some part of the world he was beaming to himself.
I felt a bit happy for him and a hell lot sad for me when I knew
I had no right to.
And somehow I also set upon thinking many other things,
the simplicity of age old rules, how straightforward and easy to
follow they were. How important it is for things to be official.
When one can demand, complaint and if need arise legalize,
would have I done that? Somehow in the modernization I had
accepted myself as an independent being where the answers to
questions like, ‘where are we going?’, ‘Does this have a future?’
did not matter. I was the kind of person who did not believe
in forever. So I had no right to complain. I deserved being
deserted; I can’t even call it being that, it would be too brazen.
I deserved every bit of it, but I could not silence my heart which
kept screaming foul, only because it wanted to hold back. It was
used to the attention, the endearments. Its silly how when one
gets used to the fakeness, the hardheartedness, the things our
elders turn their noses at and we youngsters flaunt on the roads
so shamelessly, it’s difficult to turn back.
Its like smoking, everyone knows its bad, but no one gives
up.
Mudit was smoking for me I wasn’t ready to give up.
Arjun was the Alcohol Anonymous, I wasn’t even ready to
enroll; someone had to make me forcefully join it.
I wasn’t a feminist demanding my set of rights. I was just
laughing over the irony of the situation as I drove Arjun back
to the airport the next day.
Me, A single girl, who did not believe in forever, who did
not believe in the too real Arjun sitting comfortably in the back
seat with the blonde, his hand resting comfortably on her leg
and both of them deep in conversation. He was still shy, talked
very little, but she made up with her dazzling smile.
They belonged together and I belonged in my own schizoid
world.
Read More @ http://www.flipkart.com/she-dixy-gandhi-book-8190901311
airport to receive Arjun. My head held high, I knew he would
give up on me finally and I would be free.
Arjun walked in moments later with a blonde girl in tow
whom he introduced as his colleague from work. She was sweet
and smiled a lot, with her every flash of teeth I had a strong
urge to break them all. Throughout the drive from the airport
to my house, Arjun kept whispering something in her ear and
she kept smiling. They held hands and I kept looking out of
the window. He had indeed given up on me, but I failed to feel
the right kind of happiness at my victory.
Hours after his arrival, Arjun knocked at my door.
“So now am real enough for you?”
I did not get his question. So I refused to answer him. He
kept looking at me and his eyes were difficult to read, it was
not anger, it was not resentment, it was something which I had
never seen before. We stood like that for few seconds and then
I broke down.
“Why did you make me do this, Resh?” he asked and I had
no answer. I had no answer for my suspicion, for my inability
to believe. That question was enough for me to jolt back to
reality though,
“You go back Arjun, you don’t belong here.”
“That’s for me to decide.”
“And me as well” I added.
“And where do you think you belong?” he questioned.
The only answer I had was “nowhere” but that was not
acceptable.
I had a kink.
“Can you not get really infuriated and leave?” I asked him
instead.
“No I would just find a way to get back to you and we can
play at this forever and play at other people too, what say?”
He never once asked me why I so wanted him to leave, I
wont have been able to answer if he would have asked me
anyway. I was a hypocrite, I missed him terribly when he left
and showed that I didn’t give a damn when he arrived. I was
scared, scared of revealing my true self, scared of showing him
how much he really mattered to me. But he knew and that’s
why he understood and that’s why he forgave.
(iv)
Arjun continued his very obvious PDA in my house and I was
subjected to disapproving looks from my parents because my
loss was that blonde’s gain.All of which made me see Mudit yet
again, the idea was to be honest with him, tell him that I was
still haunted by the ghosts from the past; the giant, very
handsome ghost actively showcasing his talents in my drawing
room right now was enough to make me run to the fake mirage.
I decided to drop in enough hints to make him understand my
view point.
Make me less of a sinner.
“So Mudit would you be concerned if your girlfriend had
had past relationships?” I asked him just for the sake of
conversation.
He looked unperturbed and continued typing on his
computer without as much as battling an eyelid, even as he
replied in negative and then added a question of his own.
“Are you suggesting that you’re my girlfriend?”
Good question. Nothing was official between us. We were
just hanging out, not officially dating each other, not officially
declared a couple and not officially bound to be together, so
how did this thing work?
In our favor.
For now.
“No I’m not, it was a hypothetical question.”
He nodded.
“Would you be concerned if I had a past?”
“I guess no.”
He did not answer my question; I ended up answering my
own question.
He kept looking at me for some time and then raised his
hand to touch the dark circles under my eyes.
“Losing your sleep over something honey?” I winced at the
endearment but did not reply.
“Some past haunting you?”
I chickened out.
“Will you fall into a relationship just to get out of an old
one?” I asked instead.
Mudit smiled, maybe he got my hints.
“No, I won’t. I would wait until the wounds healed.” He
replied with all the sincerity.
“I would.” I nearly whispered.
“You would, what?”
“Fall into a relationship on rebound.” I looked straight at
him.
“I still wont.” He smiled. He thought my confession was to
trap him. My confession was the truth which bypassed his
egotistical mind.
I could not bring myself to be upfront about it to him and
with the passage of time and the deepening of Arjun’s affection
for the blonde my dark circles deepened. Mudit was a mute
spectator and I felt like I was cheating him, I did not have the
courage to call it off. I made sure that I meet him everyday.
It gave me something else to do, even when my mind was
preoccupied, it was a nice escape. I enjoyed the attention,
wanted someone, something to fall back to, show off to.
Whenever I stepped out of the house, Arjun would give me
a knowing smile like we were sharing a secret.
“I’m going out” I would yell out to no one in particular, just
so that Arjun could hear and know whom I was going to be
with. He kept smiling with no remorse and no regrets.
He confronted me on the last day of his visit as I was
stepping out of the house.
“I got your point, you need not do this anymore.” He said
as I looked at him and feigned ignorance.
“I’m getting married.” He announced.
This time I smiled and walked out of the house.
Its true in a way, when the door to your heart is tight shut,
nothing can penetrate it, and you just feel an occasional tug,
when your deep asleep morals sometimes wake up to give you
sleepless nights instead. I still was having the fling with Mudit;
my mind would be miles away when Mudit’s brain concentrated
on me which was not fair to anyone. But it wasn’t like I was
addicted. He wasn’t even my antidote on the addiction to Arjun.
It was just a bad case of drug overdose, where you take one
medicine and it overreacts and then you are given another one
and the side effects are even bad. I was suffering from many
of the effects. I did not even know where I would land at the
end of it all, maybe in a mental asylum, but I was ready to take
any bet to not land up being with Arjun. I surely had a kink.
The week was up and it was time for Arjun to go back and
needless to add time for me to say bye to Mudit, but even that
was difficult. I could not. I had something very human left in
me. I could not do this either, he made it easier on me though.
He just vanished. I would be a hypocrite if I declare that I was
happy about it. I was sad and hurt, deeply hurt. My ego was
battered, I felt used and thrown. My mind went over a thousand
reasons over why he would do it to me. No email, no phone
call, no text message, nothing. When earlier I was bombarded
with obscenely high amount of his presence, his absence was
hurting. He just vanished in thin air. Like he never even existed,
did I deserve this treatment? Looking at my intentions in the
first place maybe I did. Does anyone deserve this treatment?
Answer to this is simple. A simple, Plain No.
It was the age old hunter became the hunted syndrome.
Would it make a difference to Mudit if he somehow knew
all this?
If I had confessed my intentions earlier?
I figured out that it won’t make a difference to him, that he
had achieved all that he set out to achieve for himself and
somewhere in some part of the world he was beaming to himself.
I felt a bit happy for him and a hell lot sad for me when I knew
I had no right to.
And somehow I also set upon thinking many other things,
the simplicity of age old rules, how straightforward and easy to
follow they were. How important it is for things to be official.
When one can demand, complaint and if need arise legalize,
would have I done that? Somehow in the modernization I had
accepted myself as an independent being where the answers to
questions like, ‘where are we going?’, ‘Does this have a future?’
did not matter. I was the kind of person who did not believe
in forever. So I had no right to complain. I deserved being
deserted; I can’t even call it being that, it would be too brazen.
I deserved every bit of it, but I could not silence my heart which
kept screaming foul, only because it wanted to hold back. It was
used to the attention, the endearments. Its silly how when one
gets used to the fakeness, the hardheartedness, the things our
elders turn their noses at and we youngsters flaunt on the roads
so shamelessly, it’s difficult to turn back.
Its like smoking, everyone knows its bad, but no one gives
up.
Mudit was smoking for me I wasn’t ready to give up.
Arjun was the Alcohol Anonymous, I wasn’t even ready to
enroll; someone had to make me forcefully join it.
I wasn’t a feminist demanding my set of rights. I was just
laughing over the irony of the situation as I drove Arjun back
to the airport the next day.
Me, A single girl, who did not believe in forever, who did
not believe in the too real Arjun sitting comfortably in the back
seat with the blonde, his hand resting comfortably on her leg
and both of them deep in conversation. He was still shy, talked
very little, but she made up with her dazzling smile.
They belonged together and I belonged in my own schizoid
world.
Read More @ http://www.flipkart.com/she-dixy-gandhi-book-8190901311
