Nostalgia

Yesterday as I was driving from my Office, back home I was greeted with the verve of Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations which stand for Pune as I remember it. The Pandals located at fixed distances, with the magnificent Ganesh idols, the soft hymns, the occasional remixed songs, the lights, the festive spirit, all of it brought about some memories with it.

I first came to Pune in the same period, eight years back to join Engineering College, A painfully shy teenager who daily travelled 30kms to reach college. Pune was different back then. Six-seaters were still running, the roads were full of potholes; vada-paav was for 4 Rs, The numerous malls were not the part of the city skyline.  What remains same though is the spirit of Pune. Apart from the occasional core areas, I never felt left out. I was as much a part of the city as the city is of me.

The first day of college as I remember it was tense, I had joined late, so the groups were already formed. People knew each other and no one bothered to introduce each other. My being shy was not any help either. The next thing I remember vividly is the Ganesh festivities, with the roads jammed; I always worried about reaching home on time.  The extroverts planned a site-seeing throughout Pune and I struggled to reach home before sunset J

First Year of college soon rolled through, what I achieved in this first year was a group of five girl-friends who were fun. Some of them I lost touch with over time and some who are still the best of my friends. I lived on a stringent budget back then, so every day having snacks and juice (patties and sugarcane juice) near the college was indulgence. What significantly stands out is the innocence of the first year of college, the need to prove oneself, the sometimes bitchy sometimes sisterly attitude of teens, the stealing glances at your crush who somehow became a reason to attend college. I have enjoyed my best in the first year of college and still smile at the stupid jokes we cracked back then. I remember stifling laughs throughout the one hour lecture once, and that’s one of my happiest memories. Very soon the year was through and we were reshuffled to join our respective streams.

Second year of engineering passed with me always seated on the front desk oblivious to the rest of the folks behind me. For me no one existed beyond my desk. I vividly remember a very talkative, bubbly girl sitting beside me for a boring Maths session and getting bored more so by my silence. Later as we got closer, she confessed how much she cursed me for my silence.

The years passed through with all the ups and downs and very soon I was out of college. What changed the most in those 4 years was me.  More than the technical education, I value the education which changed me as a person. I still am introvert and take ages to open up. The friends that I made back then, some stayed, some drifted apart, rest are acquaintances I smile at when I run across them. But every one of them contributed to what I am today. As George Adams said:

“There is no such thing as a "self-made" man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.”

I  owe my mental makeup to many of such friends who unknowingly taught me many a things, be it laughing at stupid jokes, enjoying life, managing studies and fun or more deeper values like trust and friendship.  I always thought of myself as a person who has cloaked her shyness under arrogance and I occasionally wear my cloak inside out.

Growing up isn’t about age, it’s about the experiences which you learn from; I owe all my acquaintances the fact that they are the part of my experiences. Good or bad, it’s the experience that counts. Eight years back, as I wrestled in the crowd to catch a glimpse of the all famous Dagdusheth, I realized that the God of learning is not going to bless me based on my efforts to reach him, I am truly blessed because I have accepted and learnt and that’s what is expected out of me. So the silent prayer which I offered all thorough my four years of engineering, almost subconsciously as I drove past the Paud bridge and the Ganesh temple there, suffices for me. Here’s that prayer: “meri  galtiyaan maaf karna aur mujhe  sadhbuddhi dena” That’s all I can ask for. For rest everything, I have the banks and credit card J

Bottomline: This is the first time in years that I am not busy enough, first time in years that I have enjoyed the Ganesh festivities, first time in years when I have actually slowed down my two-wheeler to have a look at the Pandal and first time in years that the deafening music, be it hymns or remixed songs have not irritated me.  So maybe this is the first time that I feel at peace with myself. All thanks to the God of learning.

The Fitness Mantra :-)

Recently I had another bout of fitness consciousness (for those who’ve seen me you’re allowed the snide laugh). Anyway, this post is about what I discovered from my survey which lasted about a month. You see, fitness is a very important issue and needs a lot of consideration before one decides on what should one do for one’s wellbeing. The options are endless:
1. Regular Walking- Tried it for a month, what happens is this: I Sleep anywhere between 12 to 5 and then getting up in morning at 6 (if I slept at all) and putting on the shoes is a headache. So out of the whole month, guess I managed the walk for 12 days max.
a. Pros:
i. It’s a great stress buster and mind reliever.
ii. The morning air does wonders to your thought process.
iii. The only thing you need is your favorite set of songs and a bit of imagination and then you’re separated from the world, into your own dreamland. So it’s like walking on the ground and having the ability to picture yourself in live-karaoke singing ‘Watch me Shine’ or better still imagining the love of your life singing the best romantic song for you. Sweet. Point is the morning walk is totally entertaining.
iv. Pretty cheap. Actually free. No hidden cost, no plus service tax. Just you and your shoes.
b. Cons:
i. As I said, the waking up in the morning without any initiative, I don’t get to measure my performance, no hot guys jog in my joggers park, so it’s about 12 out of 30 days which is pretty undisciplined if one is looking at perfect fitness.
ii. The weather. I tried walking in the rain, but people give you weird looks!! Plus always a fear of coming down with flu. So yeah it’s totally dependent on the monsoon which in turn is totally unpredictable.
iii. The greatest limitation is my self consciousness. I have this ground near my home used by everyone for the morning fitness ritual. So it has a center ground where kids and college kids (Gosh! I am old) play football/cricket. The ground is surrounded by a walking track where uncles, aunties and grannies grandpas walk around. Amidst them, is me walking with my songs- So I complete one circle, then I think next circle I will run but my feet just refuse to obey me, next I think at least I will jog-This command is also rejected by my legs. In turn, my inner voice (the one that always came clad in whites in a mirror in old bollywood movies) shows me the reality. Here’s our conversation:
Me: Guess I will run for the next round.
Inner Voice: You must be kidding!
Me: What’s the harm? I am sure I can jog at least.
Inner Voice: See the kids in the ground? They are going to stop playing and start staring. See the Uncle at 5 o clock angle, yeah yeah! The one who lives opposite you, he is already stealing glances at you, Bet he is going to burst out laughing when u start running. And then slowly the world will come to a standstill and then everyone will be laughing!
Me: Rubbish! No one is even noticing me. No one even knows me here.
Inner Voice: That’s what you think! Go ahead, make a fool of yourself. As if I care!
Me: (Now a bit concerned) yeah, Maybe. Anyways, it’s rained yesterday so the ground is bit slippery. Guess will try the running tomorrow.
2. Swimming: This is something I thoroughly enjoyed. It’s fun + hectic + soothing. I was on cloud nine when I could swim 10 laps without a break in a 25 m pool. Why did I stop? Yes, the rains played havoc. Plus "the cannot measure the performance" thing. I mean I know I was getting good on my stamina but could not see the difference in me also it leaves the hair dry and frizzy throughout the day. (Being a girl, vanity always wins). Another side effect I ate like a pig when I used to swim, which further put me in depression psychologically. Still, given a chance I enjoy swimming now and then.
3. Gymming: Now comes the big market of gyms. Recently, I took a auto from Kalyaninagar to Kothrud and on the route started counting the number of gyms, by the time I reached my destination I had given up after counting close to 40 (including the slimming centers ). Point is this business is flourishing, so now Let’s move on to what I found in my survey:
a. The number of gyms I called for direct enquiry- 4
i. One of the operators of one of the leading gyms (which compared their discounts with the rains in Pune) told me point blank that she cannot give me any details unless I go there. Apparently, their procedure was to scan a candidate and then jot a fitness plan based on the candidate’s extent of obesity and then they decide upon how much to charge. My point was, just because I am calling a gym to enquire doesn’t mean that I am obese, Rgt? (Before anyone says," But you’re" please read the definition of obesity, it’s for people with BMI> 30. I am in the safe range of 25 )
ii. The internationally acclaimed (rich metal) gym: It had a very rude and so-called self acclaimed ‘high society socialite’ at the reception. And I used a two-wheeler to commute. So she asks me to fill up the details and then proceeds to tell me the exorbitant prices. Naturally, by now she had judged me as will-not-be-able-to-afford category. Anyway I walked out before I could throw a fit at their charges.
iii. My old gym  well I contemplated joining that. It was pretty good managed by doctors and they helped me a lot during my previous bout of fitness consciousness last year. But then why had I left? I moved and now its too far.
iv. Another international chain of gyms. So I call them and they tell me that anytime has a time limit. Point taken  the person on phone was concentrating more on his fake accent then the info he was giving me out. I mean I get it that you belong to an international chain, but why fake the accent? I really get put off by this, but anyway I went there in my desperation only to be told that I have to pay a membership fees valid for 9 years + monthly usage fee. My point is, I don’t even know where I will be next year, why would I invest for nine? Plus who guarantees there presence for 9 years? Weird logic!
That’s it about my various options. There were some minor ones which I tried out
1. Badminton: Totally dependent on my sis for that.
2. Sauna: Always in thoughts, never called the telebrand Guess I still have my brains in the right place.
3. VLCC Gels: Seriously, people who do business just know the pulse of the frustrated over-eating Indian.
4. Ree-Tone: 5600 bucks? Are you kidding me? I can join a gym in half the price!
5. GM Diet: Done it when I was younger and stupider  I eat like a pig after the stipulated 7 days and gain all the water lost pretty soon.
6. Weekend trekking trips: Fun actually. Climbed Sinhagad for a month, every Sunday. And barged on bhaji and dahi upon reaching the top. End result: sore feet, eating more than I burned, Flexon MR Addiction.
7. Eating less- Actually trying to eat less. Never works  being a true bred Punjabi I can’t do without my weekly dose of chicken.
Final Decision: Sheepishly, I confess that I ended up joining a gym, where the rates matched the facilities. The people were good enough. No fake accents.Near my home so accessible. My logic is plain- I have paid them, so unlike the free walk which I ditched most of the time, I will at least be regular, i.e. get up and go because I invested my hard-earned money  this btw proves why the health market is flourishing. More so why the gyms are flourishing.

THE LIST - Reloaded :-)

Year back, I made a list of things I want to do before I turn 30 and then I forgot :-) So just thought that I will revisit the list and see what all I managed to do and what all is left... So here are some additions and deletions to the list.

1. Learn spoken french : I am still stuck on Je t'amie, D'accord.
2. Bungee jump once: Yet to do, but at least have reached the stage where I can be sure that the rope won't snap.
3. Learn professional Bharatnatyam: Still not done :-(
4. Visit the Ice Hotel..( i need cash!!!) - Yet to.
5. Write a book and get published.( maybe win a man-booker prize, now this is getting serious)- Partly Done :-)
6. Have Dinner on Eiffel tower. - Not Done :-(
7.Escape marriage... yeah rgt. This I need to reinforce and remember.
8. Find a Spanish bf. -Not applicable anymore :-) Thats called growing up.
9. hmm... now am thinking.. yeah own a business empire where i rule things.. trust me ..job is no fun... ( if i have to sum up my past experiences it was like.. a half baked cake strutting out of a oven shouting on a yummy delicious blackforest tht the blackforest is black... (and here blackforest= me)(thk god!! i escaped now i've started living again...and the credit goes to...who else.. me!!!) so business,,, cool i have the ideas. - Yup Still have ideas.
Now the additions,
10. Get a tattoo saying "Nischay kar apni jeet karo" in Gurmukhi.
11. What else? Will Keep on adding.
Makes me realise that there are many :-( than :-)  and this again makes me realise that i need to keep revisiting the list. There are many things we can let go but if the wishes remain unfulfilled thats the biggest loss. So yeah, time is short.. Miles to go before I sleep.

Suburban Girl

"Archie Knox: Why won't you marry me?
Brett Eisenberg: Are you asking me to explain?
Archie Knox: Yes, I am

Brett Eisenberg: When I look at you, I see a teacher. But when you look at me, you see a student. Because you like to run away. It's part of who you are. Because, in the end, a girl can't grow up until she looses a father and leaves an Archie"

Background: Insomania Ofcourse! Why is my every thought related to insomnia?  In one of the episodes of HIMYM, Ted Mosby reminiscences that nothing good happens after 2 am in my case, the bulb always lights up after 2 am, in short all my major turning-points are the result of the introspective sessions I have after 2 am, when the coffee strikes my brain and I am usually curled up on the sofa with a book in hand or a remote control.
Some days back, it was the Remote control, and "Suburban Girl" playing on Zee Studio. Alec Baldwin commands you to stop and take notice so I did. Whats so good about the movie? In the strictest sense, its the typical Hollywood Drama/ Romance which would fail if a remake was made in Bollywood,but like many other flops that somehow teach me something suburban girl taught me something too.

Lesson: We always have choices in life, even the most pessimistic person on earth has a choice to alter his/her lifestyle, one just has to see it. I remember way back when I first entered the corporate world in one of the pseudo-intellectual sessions (The boring HR ones, that claim to make you a better person but basically suck) I was asked if I regret anything in my life and I said NO, I dont. In retrospection, I still dont. I could have made different choices opening up a different path altogether, kind of a alternative timeline but I dont wish for that. I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of being alive, sufficiently mourned for all the sad moments, given the right amount of attention and love to all those I came across, made my share of mistakes and learnt from them.

So why this reassesment now? Well, lately I was wondering if all that I lost along the way was worth it? The kind of thoughts that seep through your subconcious mind and make u think at nights (Actually I think its coffee!). And I have the answer, I made the right choice! Not because its a temporary high phase, not because I need to feed my ego, not because I want to show the finger to all those who doubted me but just because I made it, I just realised that Right or wrong depends on u, noone else can judge ur decisions because noone else knows u as well as u do. I could've taken suggestions, closed my eyes and let destiny decide for me, but would that feel mine? That would have been an escape, a selection of someone to blame if things go wrong and in my dream world things never go wrong. (When they do, I just change the tags ;-))

Conclusion: Again refering to HIMYM:
" TED:No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!

 LILY: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?

Maybe it doesnt, but to me it does :-) And thats all that matters at the end of the day. I stand because of the choices I made, not because destiny pushed me there and thats a relief. So in conclusion, just like the Suburban Girl, I am growing up (At 26 :-)),making my own decisions, laughing at my mistakes, falling in love with myself w/o the doubts of teenage and enjoying every moment of it, every tear of it coz thats how we learn. There's no escape to learning, no 'shortcut to happiness' (Another Baldwin movie, I loved). All of it is just worth it!

Maid of Honour

This one is dedicated to a girl-woman I have known for the last decade. Like every other girl-next-door, even she had dreams and aspirations; dreams in-line with her circumstances.And I have seen her work really hard to achieve them. She was a practical gal, so she did not wish for a Switzerland trip, or Mercs and Bentleys the only thing she wished for was a happy marriage.She started her day at 6 in morn and worked till eve to save money for the grand day and when the time came her only demand was for that of a non-alcoholic husband, a wish rare in her strata of society.Over the years, she did not budge from this one demand, rejected the prospective grooms her poverty struck parents threw at her, earned the mocking glares of her relatives for her ego (a word equivalent to havoc in her society) but she was adamant and I admired her. She had every right to demand given the hardships life had thrown at her.


And then the day finally arrived,there were no compromises as she happily informed us all that finally she had found her match. Her happiness was infectious and away she went... only to return some years later with a baby, an unexplainable disease that clubbed her feet and numerous scars on her fragile frame that narrated the abuse her alcoholic husband inflicted on her.

She smiled as she blamed her fate as there was no single person she could blame. Not her parents coz they just wanted to finish their responsibility by marrying her off. Not her husband because he did not even know how important it was for her and for him it was the way wives were to be treated and she fought as long as she could. But now the glint in her eyes is gone as she has given up her fight against her luck.

"Maybe I demanded too much, Did I?" she asked me the other day.

I had no answer. I wanted to assure her that her one wish was justified. That she did not deserve what she got, She had the right for that one thing when she was ready to compromise on everything else. But her condition made me shut up, as I realised that given my comforts and luxuries I can only give her false assurances, long stupid lectures on women rights, philosphical passages bootlegged from books she could never read but I can never be her and face the heat. I am shamed by her strength. My only regret is the unfairness of it all.

She damn well had every right to her wish, a practical, fair, logical one that would have assured her life-long happiness. But then how many of us really get that? The repurcussions are maybe not that grotesque but we do compromise, even if we claim to hate that word, we do just that.The journey through the real world begins with a compromise as we let go of certain long held principles to embrace the happiness life throws at us.

Its simple, life in fiction, in thoughts is easy, where we live by our own rules. The moment you step in the real world, the first project we are given checks our Rigidity and then its upto us to break or bend.

After seeing my broken idol,I am learning to bend. Is it worth it though?

Only time will tell.

Finally a blog on the blog :-)

A song which is so very true and is the theme for this blog :-)
Dunno why i Keep hearing it often.. That reminds me I can make a list of songs which I listen to often when alone.
1. In the end doesnt even matter... LinkinPark
2. I belong to you..Muse
3. Tujhse Naraaz nahi Zindagi..Mausam
4. Aazmaale Aazmaale.. Taxi No.9211
5. Je Te Donne...Jean Jacques Goldman
6. Thayya Thayya..Dil se
7. Leave out all the rest..Linkin Park

The list goes on..For now..the song on the topmost of my mind...

The You tube video

"It starts with one thing
I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal

Didn't look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn't even know

Wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter


I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time

I tried so hard


In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so (far)

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me (in the end)

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter "

Move on

Sex and the CIty 2- Loved the Series, Hated the Movie.
I remember when the original series was playing on HBO, the name was offensive enough, then with the advent of  internet and Torrents, the sequence was pretty natural, Friends, Office, Sex and the City. And I liked it, I was the closet watcher of the series, a big fan of  Carrie Bradshaw inspite of her quirks, I forgave her unwilingly when she cheated on Aidan, I loved the weird and very bold Samantha inspite of her insatiable drive,In the series,Samantha had a class somehow, I still remember her dialogue after the Aidan episode, when Carrie says tht , "C'mmon Judge me, Hate me" and she replies with "Thats not my style." I loved her for it. I mean its difficult and very rare to find friends who dont judge u.  You can spend years with ppl trusting them, relying on them, sharing your deepest secrets with them not knowing that they have formed an image of u, judged u and passed the sentence, worse still advertised it to the world. So Samantha was lovable from that aspect.
The thing I fail to understand is  when the characters are already established, why go into the pain of re enforcing their personality traits? Carrie is indecisive, emotionally weak, self centered somehow- Aceepted. Why does she need to go to Abu Dhabi, run into Aidan to make the movie run the 2 hrs, 30 mins.. Samantha had to hurt the religous sentiments of a country ruled by its ethics to establish her openess.. the movie somehow does not make sense... its like my earlier sentiment that people should know when to stop. You made amazing 6 seasons and a decent first movie, but that is it, one cannot keep banking on the same old story. Carrie and her friends should retire peacefully now, time to move on.
One cannot and should not attach one self to anything tht makes moving on difficult. Sometimes, its worth it to enjoy the feeling till it lasts and cherish the memories than to drag it. That reminds me :

"Taarruf rog ho jaaye to usko bhoolnaa behtar


Taalluk bojh ban jaaye to usko todnaa achchha

Voh afsaana jise anjaam tak laana na ho mumkin

Use ek khoobsoorat mod dekar chhodna achchha"

PS: Applicable to everything that drags one down, makes one feel down or hurts one. The only person U have to live with for the rest of ur lives is U, why compromise?