Thursday, November 20, 2014

Yes, I married for love

This piece was also published here:

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/11/making-a-love-marriage-work/


India- The Land Of great love stories like Shree-Farhaad, Soni- Mahiwal, Laila-Majnu etc and also the land where love marriages are still scorned at by certain section of society. Lately I found out that it's not just the generation before us but some same-age people who also get judgmental over the issue. Here's the conversation I had with a male friend, actually an old school friend I happened to meet again on FB (sigh ! The downside of technology)
Him: So you got married? Bataya nahi.. What does your husband do?
Me: yup. He is an engineer too.
Him: whats his name? 
Me: (I provide with d name)
Him: (surprise smiley) Love marriage? 
Me: yup
Him: Ok
(Pause for 10 mins)
Me: what about you? 
Him: oh! I married in my caste only. Arranged marriage. Its simple and respectful to parents.

Duh-ahh!!!

Here's a person with same education as me, but in his eyes I obviously did the wrong thing. True that no one can make you feel bad without your permission, but the verdict is out, just coz I had a love inter-caste marriage. That's the hypocrisy of India, an eloped couple loses a bit of respect in the eyes of elders. SRK gave a solution to this elopement issue in DDLJ, where proper respect is given to parent's wishes. But even if one did not elope, even if you had a proper marriage, things are assumed and judgement passed. 

But it also made me think over the other side of it, how much percentage of marriages survive? And whats the statistics of how many arranged marriages fail over how many love marriages fail?
And by failure I don't mean divorce, I mean failure in the sense where a couple stays together for society, kids or just resigns to fate.
I have nothing against arranged marriages, I think its a beautiful way of union where everyone gets a say, two families come together not just two people and the flip side is you always get someone to blame if things go wrong!!

But then I have nothing against or for love marriages too. If two people are mature enough to feel that they can spend their lives together nothing/no one should stop them. And if the same couple after some time feels that they made a mistake nothing should stop them at doing what is right. Only love and mutual respect should be the reason for two people to be together, not "what will people say" fear, not kids , not finances and not the fear of being a social outcast in case a marriage ends. Sadly in India a divorced man or woman becomes a social outcast. And that makes many unhappy couple's to stay together. 
In my opinion as SRK said.." hum ek hi baar jeete hein..." we have one life and we should max out on it. Its not worth spending the one life we get in regrets or worry or sadness.

So, here's a list I formulated for love marriage couple's to stay in love 
( Applicable to arranged marriages too, I guess if the couple is in love and not in a compromised ah-that's-my-life stage)

1. Respect each other. One of the reasons you got married was respect for each other, don't let anything or anyone change that.

2. Accept that there will always be people jealous of you or just people like my school friend above who will be judgmental towards your decision, dont let them affect you. True that we get carried away with people trying to instigate you, but let your reaction remain till a certain level. Let a little sacred spot in your relationship untouched. As long as you both have that spot, nothing can break you.

3. Be bold enough to point out when the other one is being an ass. Remember the time before marriage when you were just friends and you rocked your friendship by being brutally honest to each other. Dont let the label of "husband" and "wife" change the honesty. Above all don't let responsibilities ruin your friendship.

4. Have realistic expectations from your partner. You are the best judge of whom you married as a person. If you fell in love with a modern jeans clad colleague, dont suddenly expect her to wear sarees, and when she does once in a while appreciate her. And girls, once in a while wear a sari just to please your friend. Trust me nothing beats the look of awe and happiness in your partner's eyes.

5. Most importantly, let go of the guilt. We have a tendency of feeling guilty thanks to the society which thinks you somehow robbed our parents of something by marrying according to our wishes. And if you yourself feel guilty and at every moment over shadow your marriage with that guilt. You wont survive long. Your partner should not have to suffer for your guilt. Grow up and move on. No one is suffering because of your decision. Only you are. 

6. Fight fair. There is no real relationship without fights. But when you do, fight fair. And most importantly dont let the other person feel unwanted. Coz in a love marriage the most important person for your partner is you. Don't ever forget that, try to see the love beneath the anger.

7. Lastly, know when to give up. In spite of all your efforts sometimes people change and if it's not working out , maybe it's not your fault. Learn to give up at the right time. Don't be a 50 year old person regretting a loveless marriage. Have the courage to call it. 

There are many more things that might work for people based on their individual experiences but I think the basic thing is to make it work. Like the parent in "just married" tells Ashton, most days you have to work on a marriage. A photo album will not have the days you worked on a marriage, but the album is made of the happy dayz that were there coz of the days you worked.

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