Whom do I want to be?

This piece was also published here:

http://www.womensweb.in/2015/01/dont-deny-chocolate-please/

Let me start by declaring that according to my weight my height should be around 6' but I am not 6', I am a normal 5' 3" and I have spent most of my adult life wishing to be taller or more importantly slimmer.  I have also spent most of my teenage life dreaming of a 6' partner,  but that's another story for another day :-)
This story is about me and how since globalisation I woke up every single day feeling I am fat which by the way I am;  there's no denial here. 
Can I blame my body image on globalisation? 
Maybe I can, maybe I should blame it on bollywood, maybe on every single issue of Cosmopolitan.
But I choose to blame it on sedentary lifestyle,  my genes, hypothyroidism,  PCOD etc. I have my excuses ready. 

But my acceptance and my excuses do not make bollywood go scott free. Now I  am going to use some names.
I recently got a meme forwarded on watsapp of Sonakshi Sinha with the tag " Gayi Bhains Paani Mein". I laughed a lot (hypocrisy, I know). When she appeared in her first movie,  I had said, "Wow, what great personality". Slowly she started getting ridiculed for her weight,Ditto Vidya Balan.
Somehow I feel Hollywood is more forgiving than bollywood when it comes to weight,  of course Caucasians have a  different genetic makeup, but Kate Winslet,  Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifa all are praised for their talents.
I totally do admire Chandra Wilson from Greys Anatomy,  her personality is so powerful that one does not notice her weight.  Wonder when bollywood will be that open minded.
What amazes me is the section of society that dictates the very narrow range of body measurements in which every celebrity should fit and by extension every woman is forced into. And so we struggle,  go on crash diets, do yoga, gym, spin classes, zumba, mumba or whatever latest fad it is. Why, I still wonder?

And then there's sexist attitude of society,  men are not subjected to the same stringent standards as women. So we kept liking the cute and adorable R Madhvan and we still do. 
I remember when my overweight male relative asked me at my sister's wedding what my plans were to reduce weight! My response was, " Same as yours". (This when I was in healthy BMI range and he surely had pot belly, which he somehow felt a tight Tee will press)

Then there was this other older relative who very nicely told me to reduce weight if I had to get married,
My response- Your son is overweight too!
His response- "Ladkon ka chaltaa hai"
(I am out of emoticons for my response)

I do understand that only people who care will say such things for your own good. But please convince me this way-

1. Tell me how being overweight puts me at a higher risk of heart diseases and diabetes.
2. Tell me how my knees will be dead by the time I am 40.
3. Tell me to be fit for myself not because I have to get married.

Fitness is a drug and I discovered this few years back when I joined an awesome gym and became addicted to running.  Back then I ran 7 km on a treadmill every alternate day without my lungs giving out. The other days I swam about 25 laps of a 50m pool.
And with all the right happy hormones ( endomorphins I guess) I was a happy person. I never threw tantrums, didnt get depressed if I had to pick the L clothing in a mall of certain brands when M didnt fit. Coz I had a positive body image.

And then life happened, so I gave up, slowly my height criteria started getting bigger,  I needed to get a bit more taller for my weight and buying high heels wasn't helping either.
But let me tell you thats perfectly normal, we are humans not robots and some days something else is going to take priority over being totally dedicated to your bodies and on such days you have to realise that the extra kgs is not the only thing that defines you. It is important for sure, TO BE FIT NOT SLIM.
but there are other things that are a better definition to you- your talents, your relationships,  your hobbies.
Point is- I have struggled a decade to come at peace with myself,  to strut in a room full of people without being conscious of my weight, to believe that my personality is what defines me and not my weight.
I do come across the narrow section, I mentioned earlier who feel its okay to make fun of my weight and I let them do that without being offended,  hell, I sometimes joke with them about me- my fav being , " I am very slim below my knees" ( coz I know I have killer calf muscles) But when such people go overboard, I can point blank tell them, "Lets run and see who stops first, the day you beat me at that,  you can make fun of me, till then, shut the f*** up"
because let me tell you another of my observation- Fit people dont judge you, such jokes are generally by slim people who remain slim by denying themselves the pleasures of life and then take that frustration out on you!
My sister and my best friend are the slimmest people I know, both blessed with an awesome metabolism and both have never ever made fun of me.

Bottomline- It sure is important to be fit, but not torture yourself to look like a runaway model coz face it, most of them are anorexics. It is also more important to value the people in your life and see people for their talents not weight. No one ever noticed how much sushma swaraj weighs, coz what matters is how much her words weigh! Be like that.

OTOH, here's a conversation I had with my husband-

Me: Have I like become too fat?
Him: No, you're like you were before the baby.
Me: Will you love me if I become too too fat.
Him: Yes obviously ( He's lying, I know)
Me: No,  idiot! you will let me know I am letting myself go and that I should do something about it!
Him: oh, that's allowed, is it?
Me: Of course, if not you who will tell me?
Him: Okay!
(Winking and taking away my chocolate bar from my hand)
So, yup I have started running again!

The Fitness Mantra :-)

Recently I had another bout of fitness consciousness (for those who’ve seen me you’re allowed the snide laugh). Anyway, this post is about what I discovered from my survey which lasted about a month. You see, fitness is a very important issue and needs a lot of consideration before one decides on what should one do for one’s wellbeing. The options are endless:
1. Regular Walking- Tried it for a month, what happens is this: I Sleep anywhere between 12 to 5 and then getting up in morning at 6 (if I slept at all) and putting on the shoes is a headache. So out of the whole month, guess I managed the walk for 12 days max.
a. Pros:
i. It’s a great stress buster and mind reliever.
ii. The morning air does wonders to your thought process.
iii. The only thing you need is your favorite set of songs and a bit of imagination and then you’re separated from the world, into your own dreamland. So it’s like walking on the ground and having the ability to picture yourself in live-karaoke singing ‘Watch me Shine’ or better still imagining the love of your life singing the best romantic song for you. Sweet. Point is the morning walk is totally entertaining.
iv. Pretty cheap. Actually free. No hidden cost, no plus service tax. Just you and your shoes.
b. Cons:
i. As I said, the waking up in the morning without any initiative, I don’t get to measure my performance, no hot guys jog in my joggers park, so it’s about 12 out of 30 days which is pretty undisciplined if one is looking at perfect fitness.
ii. The weather. I tried walking in the rain, but people give you weird looks!! Plus always a fear of coming down with flu. So yeah it’s totally dependent on the monsoon which in turn is totally unpredictable.
iii. The greatest limitation is my self consciousness. I have this ground near my home used by everyone for the morning fitness ritual. So it has a center ground where kids and college kids (Gosh! I am old) play football/cricket. The ground is surrounded by a walking track where uncles, aunties and grannies grandpas walk around. Amidst them, is me walking with my songs- So I complete one circle, then I think next circle I will run but my feet just refuse to obey me, next I think at least I will jog-This command is also rejected by my legs. In turn, my inner voice (the one that always came clad in whites in a mirror in old bollywood movies) shows me the reality. Here’s our conversation:
Me: Guess I will run for the next round.
Inner Voice: You must be kidding!
Me: What’s the harm? I am sure I can jog at least.
Inner Voice: See the kids in the ground? They are going to stop playing and start staring. See the Uncle at 5 o clock angle, yeah yeah! The one who lives opposite you, he is already stealing glances at you, Bet he is going to burst out laughing when u start running. And then slowly the world will come to a standstill and then everyone will be laughing!
Me: Rubbish! No one is even noticing me. No one even knows me here.
Inner Voice: That’s what you think! Go ahead, make a fool of yourself. As if I care!
Me: (Now a bit concerned) yeah, Maybe. Anyways, it’s rained yesterday so the ground is bit slippery. Guess will try the running tomorrow.
2. Swimming: This is something I thoroughly enjoyed. It’s fun + hectic + soothing. I was on cloud nine when I could swim 10 laps without a break in a 25 m pool. Why did I stop? Yes, the rains played havoc. Plus "the cannot measure the performance" thing. I mean I know I was getting good on my stamina but could not see the difference in me also it leaves the hair dry and frizzy throughout the day. (Being a girl, vanity always wins). Another side effect I ate like a pig when I used to swim, which further put me in depression psychologically. Still, given a chance I enjoy swimming now and then.
3. Gymming: Now comes the big market of gyms. Recently, I took a auto from Kalyaninagar to Kothrud and on the route started counting the number of gyms, by the time I reached my destination I had given up after counting close to 40 (including the slimming centers ). Point is this business is flourishing, so now Let’s move on to what I found in my survey:
a. The number of gyms I called for direct enquiry- 4
i. One of the operators of one of the leading gyms (which compared their discounts with the rains in Pune) told me point blank that she cannot give me any details unless I go there. Apparently, their procedure was to scan a candidate and then jot a fitness plan based on the candidate’s extent of obesity and then they decide upon how much to charge. My point was, just because I am calling a gym to enquire doesn’t mean that I am obese, Rgt? (Before anyone says," But you’re" please read the definition of obesity, it’s for people with BMI> 30. I am in the safe range of 25 )
ii. The internationally acclaimed (rich metal) gym: It had a very rude and so-called self acclaimed ‘high society socialite’ at the reception. And I used a two-wheeler to commute. So she asks me to fill up the details and then proceeds to tell me the exorbitant prices. Naturally, by now she had judged me as will-not-be-able-to-afford category. Anyway I walked out before I could throw a fit at their charges.
iii. My old gym  well I contemplated joining that. It was pretty good managed by doctors and they helped me a lot during my previous bout of fitness consciousness last year. But then why had I left? I moved and now its too far.
iv. Another international chain of gyms. So I call them and they tell me that anytime has a time limit. Point taken  the person on phone was concentrating more on his fake accent then the info he was giving me out. I mean I get it that you belong to an international chain, but why fake the accent? I really get put off by this, but anyway I went there in my desperation only to be told that I have to pay a membership fees valid for 9 years + monthly usage fee. My point is, I don’t even know where I will be next year, why would I invest for nine? Plus who guarantees there presence for 9 years? Weird logic!
That’s it about my various options. There were some minor ones which I tried out
1. Badminton: Totally dependent on my sis for that.
2. Sauna: Always in thoughts, never called the telebrand Guess I still have my brains in the right place.
3. VLCC Gels: Seriously, people who do business just know the pulse of the frustrated over-eating Indian.
4. Ree-Tone: 5600 bucks? Are you kidding me? I can join a gym in half the price!
5. GM Diet: Done it when I was younger and stupider  I eat like a pig after the stipulated 7 days and gain all the water lost pretty soon.
6. Weekend trekking trips: Fun actually. Climbed Sinhagad for a month, every Sunday. And barged on bhaji and dahi upon reaching the top. End result: sore feet, eating more than I burned, Flexon MR Addiction.
7. Eating less- Actually trying to eat less. Never works  being a true bred Punjabi I can’t do without my weekly dose of chicken.
Final Decision: Sheepishly, I confess that I ended up joining a gym, where the rates matched the facilities. The people were good enough. No fake accents.Near my home so accessible. My logic is plain- I have paid them, so unlike the free walk which I ditched most of the time, I will at least be regular, i.e. get up and go because I invested my hard-earned money  this btw proves why the health market is flourishing. More so why the gyms are flourishing.