Whom do I want to be?

This piece was also published here:

http://www.womensweb.in/2015/01/dont-deny-chocolate-please/

Let me start by declaring that according to my weight my height should be around 6' but I am not 6', I am a normal 5' 3" and I have spent most of my adult life wishing to be taller or more importantly slimmer.  I have also spent most of my teenage life dreaming of a 6' partner,  but that's another story for another day :-)
This story is about me and how since globalisation I woke up every single day feeling I am fat which by the way I am;  there's no denial here. 
Can I blame my body image on globalisation? 
Maybe I can, maybe I should blame it on bollywood, maybe on every single issue of Cosmopolitan.
But I choose to blame it on sedentary lifestyle,  my genes, hypothyroidism,  PCOD etc. I have my excuses ready. 

But my acceptance and my excuses do not make bollywood go scott free. Now I  am going to use some names.
I recently got a meme forwarded on watsapp of Sonakshi Sinha with the tag " Gayi Bhains Paani Mein". I laughed a lot (hypocrisy, I know). When she appeared in her first movie,  I had said, "Wow, what great personality". Slowly she started getting ridiculed for her weight,Ditto Vidya Balan.
Somehow I feel Hollywood is more forgiving than bollywood when it comes to weight,  of course Caucasians have a  different genetic makeup, but Kate Winslet,  Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifa all are praised for their talents.
I totally do admire Chandra Wilson from Greys Anatomy,  her personality is so powerful that one does not notice her weight.  Wonder when bollywood will be that open minded.
What amazes me is the section of society that dictates the very narrow range of body measurements in which every celebrity should fit and by extension every woman is forced into. And so we struggle,  go on crash diets, do yoga, gym, spin classes, zumba, mumba or whatever latest fad it is. Why, I still wonder?

And then there's sexist attitude of society,  men are not subjected to the same stringent standards as women. So we kept liking the cute and adorable R Madhvan and we still do. 
I remember when my overweight male relative asked me at my sister's wedding what my plans were to reduce weight! My response was, " Same as yours". (This when I was in healthy BMI range and he surely had pot belly, which he somehow felt a tight Tee will press)

Then there was this other older relative who very nicely told me to reduce weight if I had to get married,
My response- Your son is overweight too!
His response- "Ladkon ka chaltaa hai"
(I am out of emoticons for my response)

I do understand that only people who care will say such things for your own good. But please convince me this way-

1. Tell me how being overweight puts me at a higher risk of heart diseases and diabetes.
2. Tell me how my knees will be dead by the time I am 40.
3. Tell me to be fit for myself not because I have to get married.

Fitness is a drug and I discovered this few years back when I joined an awesome gym and became addicted to running.  Back then I ran 7 km on a treadmill every alternate day without my lungs giving out. The other days I swam about 25 laps of a 50m pool.
And with all the right happy hormones ( endomorphins I guess) I was a happy person. I never threw tantrums, didnt get depressed if I had to pick the L clothing in a mall of certain brands when M didnt fit. Coz I had a positive body image.

And then life happened, so I gave up, slowly my height criteria started getting bigger,  I needed to get a bit more taller for my weight and buying high heels wasn't helping either.
But let me tell you thats perfectly normal, we are humans not robots and some days something else is going to take priority over being totally dedicated to your bodies and on such days you have to realise that the extra kgs is not the only thing that defines you. It is important for sure, TO BE FIT NOT SLIM.
but there are other things that are a better definition to you- your talents, your relationships,  your hobbies.
Point is- I have struggled a decade to come at peace with myself,  to strut in a room full of people without being conscious of my weight, to believe that my personality is what defines me and not my weight.
I do come across the narrow section, I mentioned earlier who feel its okay to make fun of my weight and I let them do that without being offended,  hell, I sometimes joke with them about me- my fav being , " I am very slim below my knees" ( coz I know I have killer calf muscles) But when such people go overboard, I can point blank tell them, "Lets run and see who stops first, the day you beat me at that,  you can make fun of me, till then, shut the f*** up"
because let me tell you another of my observation- Fit people dont judge you, such jokes are generally by slim people who remain slim by denying themselves the pleasures of life and then take that frustration out on you!
My sister and my best friend are the slimmest people I know, both blessed with an awesome metabolism and both have never ever made fun of me.

Bottomline- It sure is important to be fit, but not torture yourself to look like a runaway model coz face it, most of them are anorexics. It is also more important to value the people in your life and see people for their talents not weight. No one ever noticed how much sushma swaraj weighs, coz what matters is how much her words weigh! Be like that.

OTOH, here's a conversation I had with my husband-

Me: Have I like become too fat?
Him: No, you're like you were before the baby.
Me: Will you love me if I become too too fat.
Him: Yes obviously ( He's lying, I know)
Me: No,  idiot! you will let me know I am letting myself go and that I should do something about it!
Him: oh, that's allowed, is it?
Me: Of course, if not you who will tell me?
Him: Okay!
(Winking and taking away my chocolate bar from my hand)
So, yup I have started running again!

We all are MAD here

During engineering we inherently learn to rely more on the logical side of the brain than the creative one and we learn to measure everything.

Length in meters.
Mass in kilo grams.
Heat in calories.

SI unit, Imperial units,  everything with a  definition. Everything explainable.

But there are certain things which cannot be measured,
Like Love (Cheesy), Pain, Hatred, Madness.
It is all relative.
If I ask my partner,  How much do you love me? And since having a baby, I do ask him that a lot, blaming it on hormones, but somehow in a day spent in nappies and feeding schedules, I keep needing the validation. The answer, if I get any is always the same and its always unmeasurable.  You just have to feel it. But it can be measured in grade point system-
If after my lappy goes kaput, I ask for a new one and I get it the very next day-A
If after my lappy goes kaput, I get new one without asking- A++
If I keep on asking and the answer is soon- B
If I keep asking and the counter question is, Do you really need one now? Its F.
My point is love here is measured on Demand vs Supply curve. If my demands are met, I have a wonderful partner, if not,  my partner has a demanding wife!!
That's how it works.

Lets talk about hatred, Can you really measure how much you hate someone?
And does "not loving" equalise hatred?
If I say I hate Poonam Pandey, does that even make sense? She doesn't affect me on a daily basis. So indifference should be the word. I am indifferent to her.
Hatred is such a strong emotion,  stronger than love,  and hence should be used sparingly. But it isn't measurable either. Comparatively, yes. 

Pain is relative too. What pained more, Root canal or Labour?  For me, both were spaced apart by some years hence the direct comparison scale was lost or foggy.
Root canal was followed by ice cream
Labour by my sweet Lil kid, so by that logic, relatively labour was less painful than root canal irrespective of the fact that root canal went for measurable 1.5 hours and labour was 12 hours.

Next is madness,  how do you decide how mad someone is?
The WHO has guidelines to classify mental disorders. The severity is also classified- measurable.
So anxiety,  depression,  post natal depression, OCD, phobias all are in one category.
Bipolar disorder,  schizoid , mania in another.
Schizophrenia,  ADHD in other.
And treatments are decided based on the severity.  So the psych decides if someone is able to move in society or needs medication and consultation.
But there are two sides to this classification.
In India,  psych consult for something like depression,  post natal depression  even bipolar disorder is taboo.  We have a strong family system and everyone from our aunt to cousin is a professional psychiatrist. So it is frowned upon. 

Why would one spend money on consulting when your mom is gonna tell you the same thing? 

And I defy this logic,  sometimes help is needed and at the right time. An educated,  modern , logical mind says- mental illness should be taken seriously and treated the same way as physical.

But then my Indian mind remembers my favourite character from "Alice in wonder land"; the CHESHIRE CAT. And the way it announces,  " We all are mad here".
I have a tee with that quote and I am really fighting myself to get that tattoo. How silly is that?  (Again immeasurable)

I know it sends the wrong message,  but we are all mad to certain degree,  relatively,  so why bother as long as you are in control and have a strong support system.
I also am reminded of a short story by Gabriel Garcia Marquez where in a spirited young girl takes a lift on highway from a mental institution bus which is transporting inhabitants and ends up being mistaken as one of them. Her partner comes to visit her and believes that something is indeed wrong with her.  It's perspective,  and like the cat said we all are mad here!
Irrespective of the taboo,  the fear, madness should be taken seriously. If anything makes you feel less than capable of being normal ( again immeasurable) help should be seeked. And if you feel you have a coping system, be it shopping ( what you can afford), running,  writing crappy blog posts, you are fine.
Bottom line- Life is not measurable and nothing is simple like the engineering units. everything comes with a pinch of salt. What we do know is life is finite and demands a unit system that simplifies things, that makes you get up in the morning with a smile and sleep without nightmares.  Not that you can do it everyday,  sometimes sh*t happens, but you deal with it, and measure it against the good days and as long as the balance is in the favour of good days- you're fine. 
Still don't feel fine- Remind yourself,  "we all are MAD here"