Thou shalt not laugh,
thou shalt not romp,
Let's grimly kiss with bated breath;
As quietly and solemnly
As Life when it is kissing Death.

(Something I found while Googling for W.H. Davies)

The Example

This is a poem I first read in standard eight and didnt understand the depth of it for many years to follow, when I finally did understand it, the words were a part of the first page of my every notebook, written with a marker on the wooden paritions during my brief stint in hostel and then on collage in my room at home. I even developed a habit of scribbling the poem whenever I felt down and they did elevate my mood. So here it goes:
The Example
HERE'S an example from
A Butterfly;
That on a rough, hard rock
Happy can lie;
Friendless and all alone
On this unsweetened stone.
Now let my bed be hard
No care take I;
I'll make my joy like this
Small Butterfly;
Whose happy heart has power
To make a stone a flower.
-W.H. Davies

Je Te Donne

I heard a song some days back..A song that talked about ancestoral pride.
I don’t remember being too interested in my ancestry. In fact I never cared to find out much about my lineage for 23 long years and never even realized that it can be a thing to be proud of.
I have met many people innately passionate about their lineage. Like a person I know often mentioned his elite background, he is proud of the fact that just writing his surname in the Google search window gives out his family tree. Good for him. For me, my surname is just a fact, just a 6 letter word I write after my name. I always believed that the only things you can be proud of are the things that belong to you. I remember a dialogue from one of the thousand unfinished stories I wrote, where the guy (supposedly the hero of the story) says that “when people don’t have something of their own to be proud of, they take shelter in their lineage”.
I don’t know what made me write that particular line. But it was something that felt right at the moment.
The closest I remember getting a feel of my ancestry was a few days back, I needed a proof of my permanent residence and my dad faxed the documents of our ancestral home.
Just holding the document in my hand, with the half broken typed letters, and a date that read a few years before my birth made me feel weird and wonderful. It was a strange sensation where I felt that something existed in my family before I did, a suitable revelation to a hopeless egotist like me.
What followed was my search of my roots, thanks to wikipedia and Google, it wasn’t that difficult. I had somehow believed that I would trace my roots back to Gujarat, wikipedia proved me wrong. I don’t know how reliable it was, but somehow what wikipedia suggested made more sense. I traced it all back to a place called “aror” in Sindh. As I read I could visualize the whole place and the incidents that pushed the group of Indo-Aryans right from River Sindhu to Punjab. It was an odd feeling, like reliving the past. I was engrossed in it all, the way I lost myself to the magical stories I heard as a kid, or to Harry Potter in recent past, or to any mushy love story I like.
I don’t know what conclusion I am supposed to draw from my long research. For now, I am back to being a normal person, just a bit enlightened. There’s no feeling of pride as such, what’s left is just a song I have been singing a lot lately, because I can in a way relate to it:
“I can give you the force of my ancestral pride,
The will to go on when I am hurt deep inside
What ever the feeling, whatever the way,
It helps me go on from day to day”

window of escape

“The window is symbol for the fact that I always found myself looking through the window, wishing I was somewhere else”A few days back I was meticulously googling for a nice tattoo idea. It was a silly, crazy, fun phase which is over now (leaving a deep red scar that looks like a star)
Anyway, while doing that I came across this thought. Angelina Jolie got a tattoo of a blue window, because she always wished to be somewhere else.
Going by that logic, maybe I should get a barn door done coz I feel the same way most of the time.
In my case however I am not looking through the window, I’ve already gone past it to unspoken mysterious lands. Maybe it’s about striking the right balance between day dreaming and practicality. Or maybe it’s about being content in the place you are in. that’s a lot of maybe without a concrete answer.
I’ve tried finding one; a lot of free time gives you the privilege to do that. Finding answers to questions that are hypothetical and that demand a lot of philosophical thought to it.
Why does one always feel like running away?
1. Because it’s not running away it’s the inner voice urging you on to achieve your goals. This idea sounds good coming from Robin Sharma or Deepak chopra, but is not true in most cases.
2. you’ve your inner battle on, when you know you ought to be at a different location but the deep values ingrained by the society makes you stick to the sticky marshland you are at. And then when you finally realize that you have to break free, you are like the elephant that is used to the chain of childhood, and can’t unshackle the thin rope that ties it down.
3. Finally, it’s just you. The sooner you accept it the better. You have just two choices: either achieve all that you desire and stay put. Or the race continues.
Angelina got the tattoo covered, coz she now feels she likes the place she is at. Obviously she married Brad Pitt. (Not that I am a fan.)
I have a long list to cover before I get the barn door replaced by rock solid wall…stuff dreams are made of.
But then, whether it’s writing crappy blogs or solving FEA matrices, it’s all loneliness we all are stuck with. And the only way to deal with it is to look through the window/barn door/looking glass and find a whole new world like Alice with amazing characters. You get to be the queen at last.

DEATH OF A STAR

This ones an obituary to one of the greatest stars. To clarify it further, I'd first give an insight to the event which triggered this whole episode and made me take out my anger this way.(this way= publicly in form of a blog).
now, i don't lead a awesome life, job sucks out a lot of awesomeness and I'm left with no other option then to pump a little some ness by catching a movie as soon as it releases. so Friday evenings are spent in the theatre.. And i have quite a experience and patience of enduring half baked to fully burnt flicks today's scenario offers. ( well this actually reminds me of the time i once did advance booking for RGV ki aag..proves that I'm not a very intellectual person but suits me right)
last Friday i went to see one such movie. And till now I'm wondering.. why??? how can it be???
why- as in why did priyadarshan make mere baap...(when he once made herapheri..)
how can it be- as in how can a certain Mr. om puri - to list his credentials , a national award winner(ardhsatya), an OBE, and a above 50 reputed actor portray such a nonsensical, stupid, cheap, and all other words i know but cant write here.. role.
The movie made me mourn the death of an actor in hands of maybe unemployment or poverty. which one I'm unable to guess because both are kinda the same thing.
I'm a total movie freak and it really hurt to see one of my favourite actors fall so deep( for want of better words) into the earth!! i think they should make a rule against it.
that reminds me of the time another great actor farookh shaikh was mocked at for acting in sub standard serials, he did make a retreat and the damage was partly controlled.
Another memory is of naveen nischol who refused to play substandard characters ( to the best of my knowledge) and guess he maintains his dignity. but i even read he was going through financial crisis in absence of good roles.
So that takes my train of thoughts to another track... the unanswered question.
in the war of money Vs talent. why does talent take a backseat?
well in my field of work it happens too.. only that its not displayed so openly on 70 mm..and most of the people caught up in this trap are in fake denial- but it exists.
How i wish it wasn't the way it is. how i wish everyone was free to choose the path they desired. Free enough to call a spade a spade... and finally not be subjected to pressure and live with a certain basic character.

My Black Pencil & Tattoo Mania

There are two kinds of people in this world..(take this line as research not plagiarism). The BIG PLANNERS & the not so big IMPULSIVE ones, and i belong to the later category.. point stated.
But this story is not about the categorisation of people. Its about "my black pencil" and all the memoirs attached to it.
So, as mentioned i consider myself very impulsive(So do bank credit card folks..I've references u see). In addition to being that I also have the tendency to get attached to certain petty things. Things which seem so important to me then, but when they come in my reach i dont care.
one such thing was my black pencil. A matt-finish black lead pencil which was quite heavy.( I hate to call it a thing). She came in my life in my first yr of engineering as a gift from someone. And with her i always felt secure. She helped me clear my "engineering graphics" back then. As i progressed furthur, just having it in my hand made me study better. (Before any1 starts calling the asylum). one day destiny struck. I LOST IT.
I was so heartbroken. And till date I miss her. I like to believe some1 stole it. (P.S. please return it, if u reading).
That was episode 1, just a tribute to things i lost. Chapter 2 is about the things I've done on impulse, there are many. some did lead to not-so-good consequences. But i still stand by each and everyone of my decisons. So heres the latest I've done on impulse.
1.I dont know whats the big deal about getting a tattoo. But all the people I've spoken to, make a typical face.. how do i describe it... the kind of face madhubala will make if she comes to know mallika is considered sexy in today's world. well, doesnt make any sense. In short, people disapprove, but i fail to understand why.(i'd love to have a debate on this 1)I failed to mention this fact in my list of "things I wanna do b4 i turn 30" but tattoo was to be on the list. good it made this 1. Till now i think if some1 is sure enough tht he/she wants it..go get it.. Finally its your desison. maybe in the long run it'll effect. But point is feed your impulse. Next time i get the force.. i may change my momentum to get 2 more done. Its all about standing out.. and if u have it in u.. etre seul..
So, thats the whole story, I have no idea if it makes sense or not. But when i think of tattoo i remember my black pencil. because things didnt change after i lost her. (i miss her) .I did clear my education, things wont have changed if i had not made the latest impulsive action, but i dont wanna miss having a tattoo at 70. another senseless analogy. But life wud be boring if we try put sense in everything.

This is a song from a serial which was aired long back on SONY।Strange part is that i still remember all the lyrics,stranger that it still seems fresh to me


क्यों लग रहा है सब कुछ नया सा,
यह दिल ना जाने, बिन पहचाने है बेचैन।
ज़िंदगी में क्या मोड़ आए,
कुछ पा लिया हे, कुछ छोड़ आए
कोई जुदा है कोई है पास
खुश धड़कने हैं दिल है उदास
कैसा सफर है कैसी डगर हे
यह दिल ना जाने बिन पचाने है बेचैन।
सोच के जब भी मैंने देखा,
एक दिखी है मुझको रेखा,
इस पार जिसके छलकते हैं रंग,
उस पार बीते दिनों का है संग
किस को चुनू में किसकी सुनु में
यह दिल ना जाने बिन पहचाने है बेचैन.

Things which are not meant to last

"There are some things that are nothing more than what they are, they're not meant to last।
They just take their place in your heart and make you a little smarter the next time."
This was the quote i heard from Alex and Emma (A Luke Wilson, Kate Hudson starer.. which is extremely forgettable and cute, if it can be both the same time.) and it again set my vella brain thinking ...Thinking about the truth in the sentence.And then i thought that there are so many things which we consider important in our lives when they really aren't.
So i can either write another list to give an sequential order to such things which i may laugh upon few years down the line or am laughing upon now..Or else i can just scrap the whole process because its another thing thats not meant to last. But i do enjoy the list writing process.
So where does this start.."Things which are not meant to last"
1. JOB- thats great. the first thing that comes to my mind when i start this is my job.. but think of it. its the most important thing in my life rgt now(except for some other things..which will constitute the next list..thats for another day btw). lets face it.. job- not meant to last but is helping me pay my internet+phone+shopping+impulsive shopping+vacations bills and also making me smarter(is it??? another distraction from the main topic of discussion.."IS IT MAKING ME SMARTER?"- well, if u call sitting in front of computer with ear plugs playing latest TASHAN songs, trying to mesh a component u have no idea of, using a software which is even more alien smart..then sure..).So, point is my job not going to last.. its just a monthly income which is welcome for sure.

2. MY CURRENT FRUSTRATION ON POINT 1 ABOVE.

Now I'm on crossroads..i can either try making the list funny or get on a more serious note... lets take the path less traveled..

3. FRIENDS: one thing I've learn t coming in the corporate world is that friends dont exist here, and any1 who thinks they do, needs a reality check. or else needs to redefine the way he defines the word friends. i had great friends in college. after that i just made some few acquaintances. I don't know what does it to ppl...is it money or status(so-called if i may add) or just the wish to make a mark or show off. But majority of ppl u see in this world are hidden..dont actually see them.. wat u can see is a frightened, burdened soul hidden behind a beautiful mask.( I agree that some1 may have the same perspective for me... but i do belong to this world)

4.IMPRESSIONS: this is related to point 3 above..another thing I've noticed is that impressions dont last. I can quite prove the old saying"FIRST IMPRESSION IS THE LAST IMPRESSION" wrong, because it isn't. I've seen it shattering all around me.The moment you see some1 and you make a mental sketch of the person he/she is..which he isn't(remember we are still talking about the ppl we cant see, the frightened, burdened souls). but it sure does waste a lot of time, the whole process of realizing that he/she isn't the one you think and theres a lot of depth to that person( or in some cases shallowness). My point is the one which every induction pro gramme in every MNC say but none follows, "the BE YOURSELF" theory. why is it so necessary to make false impressions. what are we afraid of really? my research says its the fear of not fitting in.. but guess a lion doesn't need to fit in a herd of sheep.(enough gyan..)

Coming to the second line of the quote.. "they just take a place in your heart...."

5.Thinking of the things that occupy the bytes maybe gigabytes in the heart( such a wastage..these things need to be SHIFT+DELETE..some1 once said about having a pure heart).. seriously,why do some things tug the heart so strongly once and then few years later its just a dull hum mm..when u think of it..example can be a high school crush which was all so important then and now maybe you are high on the ladder of success and that one person is where..no idea( this thought inspired from "13 going on 30" jennifer's high school crush ends up being a taxi driver.)

I think thats the most i can think of things that don't last.. bottom line, whenever u face a situation when u think the world is falling apart..just fast forward your life and think will it matter then? better said then done but worth a try...

poem time..

what follows is something i wrote way back..maybe in my teens..i dont remember exactly... but i believe its a good piece of work.. and also right now reflects my journey ... so here it goes..

एक पेड़ है मेरे आँगन में, जिस से बातें करता हूँ,

साथ है मेरे बचपन से, उससे अक्सर मिलता हूँ,

एक दिन यूं ही मैंने उस से नाम उसका पूछ लिया,

हस कर उसने धीरे से मेरा ही नाम दोहरा दिया...

उस दिन से निस्बत और भी गहरे हो गए..

इंतज़ार में तेरे अक्सर हम साथ बैठे रो गए.

हमारा रिशता है हमेशा हर वक्त..

कहता है मुझसे, मैं तेरा हूँ वसुहत..

मेरी तरह वह भी सजदे किसी के करता है ..

चाँद के पास कहीं तारा उसका रहता है ..

शायद मेरी खातिर ही जिया जाता था,

अपनी अनुशा का दीदार किया जाता था,

आज जो टुटा हुआ देखा मुझे,

आखिर बोल ही पड़ा," चल हमनाम.. खुद्खुशी कर लें

आंगन में मेरे ही टूट के बिखरा,

सुबुक पलाश को सबने ही कुचला

जाते जाते कह गया मुझसे, "तू मुसाफिर है , मुसाफिर ही रहना,

रात को चाँद के पास देखना, मेरा सफर खत्म हुआ.. मेरा तारा टूट गया.."

my list

I recently finished reading P.S. i love you. well it was more like reading a M&B only the end wasnt all mushy the way MB's end. But guess MB's are written by all LA county females with rich husbands and totally empty upper floors who see life as just a happy ending seceretary meet rich boss stories.( who am i kidding? i actually did contribute to their sales for ages). But, PS was diffrent. maybe coz the writer was irish and not american. who knows?

But thats not the whole point. The point is that PS made me go back to being dreamy. Dreamy bout evrything perfect and lovely in life. It made me rethink about the way i want my life to be. More importantly, it made me write the LIST.

I'd accept that i did go thr the endless lists of "velle" ppl like me on net. but then i also did come up with my own (things i wanna do before i turn 30)which goes like this:

1. learn spoken french. i actually can understand a lot (if Sonia knows hindi, am an expert in French) why French? dont ask me.. actually guess its quite obvious.

2. bungee jump once ( and the following list will only come true if my rope doesnt snap, paranoid??? nah..)

3. learn professional Bharatnatyam.

4. visit the Ice Hotel..( i need cash!!!)

5. write a book and get published.( maybe win a man-booker prize, now this is getting serious)

6. Have Dinner on Eiffel tower.( This reminds me of govinda song.. "main jo raah mein apni murti lagvaun..meri marzee..)

7.escape marriage... yeah rgt.. ( this point is why am writing all this crap here not in my personal diary...i love my parents and besides i wud hate it if any of them suffers a stroke.. so point 7 definately not for my mom-dad)

8. Find a Spanish bf..(wild.. wilder... seriously.. i think they r sexy..and if i cant speak my mind.. then it wont be my blog.. rgt??)

9. hmm... now am thinking.. yeah own a business empire where i rule things.. trust me ..job is no fun... ( if i have to sum up my past experiences it was like.. a half baked cake strutting out of a oven shouting on a yummy delicious blackforest tht the blackforest is black... (and here blackforest= me)(thk god!! i escaped now i've started living again...and the credit goes to...who else.. me!!!) so business,,, cool i have the ideas ..wat i need is cash..( dollar de yaan pound de de)

10. be alive.. and if i dont..get out alive.. atleast be a beautiful ghost and then travelling will be free.. so i can go to ice hotel, do bungee jumping from a peepal tree.. maybe even find a spanish bhoot... wow.. so in anycase i win..

me

Long back i asked a friend to define me, and she just said a single word "eccentric". I waited for the list to continue but that was the end. So maybe thats my description Eccentric. Later i even went thr the pain of a browsing thr a thick book called the "oxford dictionary" to understand myself better, Here's what the glass-rimmed, grim faced, stiff upperlip english guys said about me,

Eccentric: a person with unusual or odd personality.