Is romance dead?

Remember the time we swooned over SRK dialogues. He always got the most romantic dialogues.

Remember his monologue in veer-zaara?

Remember the way he looked at Manisha Koirala in Dil se?

Remember him saying "agar Ganga ki iffazat karna Pyaar hai, toh hai"

Remember how as teen agers,  the idea of perfect romance was someone,  somewhere, who would say the perfect things,  look at you the same way.

That was all a decade back.

Today, remember the moment we read some one expressing their feelings on Facebook and cringe?

What happened between then and now to turn us into such cynics?

The thought entered by mind as I got a recent article published and cringed at the editor's change of the title.  I literally hid my face and tagged a few less people on Facebook as I felt it was too cheesy.

And then I remembered the mushroom-cut Tomboy of a decade back who daydreamed of the perfect man,  blushed at every word SRK uttered, listened to Enrique, watched Notting Hill, When Harry met Sally,  Serendipity endless times.

And we played a game, wherein the next song on radio was what our crush thought about us.  It was a way to please ourselves.  (cheesy I know)

I refuse to believe that this is what growing up is.  Being practical isn't being cynical. Somewhere the innocence is lost,  but the idea remains.  Makes me question is romance really dead?

Agreed that being romantic doesn't necessarily mean being vocal about our feelings. That actions speak louder than words.  That not every relationship can be as intense as Heathcliff-Catherine romance in Wuthering Heights.( wish it could)
we live in an age of over-sharing where posting on FB  has replaced the private talks we shared with our best friends.
Where clicking that "in a relationship" button on FB is equivalent to commitment.  But does this not also mean that we should replace the word cheesy with sweet.  Maybe it's ok to express your love on FB.  Let the whole friend list know how you feel about your partner. It really is okay. All judgements aside. ( all this coming from a person: Me; whose partner is not even on FB)

What I mean is,  agreed that actions speak louder ( I already said that! ) so while on a personal level you feel the love in the cup of tea your partner makes for you every Sunday morning (not forgetting to put the cream of milk in the tea, coz he knows you like it), remembering to order your burger without onions each single time,  singing "kaho na kaho" with all the Arabic lyrics for you while alone in car.
Once in a while you also need the intensity,  the public display of affection, the right words said by the right person and doing that without calling it cheesy!
So next time someone does that,  please say sweet, coz it is sweet, it takes courage to wear your heart on your sleeve.  And hearing cute, lovey- dovey stuff really brings one closer and keeps us young. SRK maybe old,  the idea isn't!
so here's to keeping romance alive-
-Say what you feel! 
-write poetry for your partner.
-tell him/her how important he/she is ( on a social site may be or just sms)
- take a bottle of wine home with a dozen red roses.
- better still cook dinner together.
- rent your favourite romantic movie together (for guys)
or sit through star wars with your partner(for gals)

point is- do something to keep it alive.

Letting go

It started with Greys Anatomy. I got addicted to watching the tenth season airing on Zee Cafe. I had already seen some episodes from earlier seasons but didn't have a clear idea of the story line.
With too much of free time on my hands, the next step was buying the boxed sets of earlier seasons. So now I am on season 3.

And I know there were some characters that were killed, New characters added and season 10 just has half the cast of the earlier seasons. But the point is its still running. It's still interesting. At some point someone decided that the plot needs to be savoured. Maybe they discussed the possibility of ending it against giving it another shot. And maybe giving another shot worked with all the changes.

Well, Friends ran a decent 10 seasons without being boring. To be honest "How I met your mother" was dead in first few seasons but they pulled till 9. But it died a slow death, it lacked the finesse of Friends.

Another series I have been following since long is "Supernatural" after catching a glimpse of it while switching channels on AXN. Just a glance at Jensen Ackles and I was hooked. Apart from a super hot cast combination of Jensen, Jared and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, what it had was a strong storyline. I mean the whole Michael Vs Lucifer track was awesome. But guess that ended in season 5 and since then it's dragging, and frankly I never quite enjoyed watching it since. They do come up with sporadic good episodes, but it's done with. I don't know why none of the producers see it and end it decently. Why is there this stubbornness to reach the season 10 by just relying on pretty faces?

And that got me thinking about life and relationships, when do you decide if a relationship is worth saving or giving up on? Or in case you decide to drag it, does it deserve the slow death of HIMYM.
And who calls the shots of bringing about some changes to bring it back on track like Grey's anatomy, or let it drag and become boring like supernatural, just relying on pretty faces to see it through or in this case some aspect of relationship.

I know the comparison is bizarre. But it's not that incomparable too. You put your blood and sweat in making a television series, it's teamwork. The same holds true for relationships. You make a mistake in a series which your audience doesn't accept, you retreat and correct yourself. And wait, for acceptance. The idea is to milk the cow dry, till one of your writers say, I'm done. That should be the stopping point. The whole struggle is to give up before the audience gives up on you. Before your TRPs die, so that you go out with your head held high.

Relationships work the same way, you make a mistake, you retreat and try to savour the situation or wait till one of you gives up. The whole point is in knowing when to give up. When to let go. And letting go is the most difficult part. Sometimes you can work past the mistakes and still reach season 10 without it being a drag, or sometimes you just let go with dignity and move on. And when you do move on, it's a one way road, there's no looking back.

Reminds me of an old poem-

"Taarruf rog ho jaaye to usko bhoolnaa behtar

Talluk bojh ban jaaye to usko todnaa achchha

Voh afsaana jise anjaam tak laana na ho mumkin 

Use ek khoobsoorat mod dekar chhodna achchha"

So here's a question applicable to all relationships, 


Are you Friends and by default perfect.
Are you HIMYM, heading for a disaster
Are you Supernatural, pretty on outside but boring.
Or Are you Grey's anatomy, ready to reinvent yourself ?

Pregnancy and Beyond

This piece was also published here:

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/11/effects-of-pregnancy/


Motherhood changes you. And it isn't an overnight change but rather a frog -boiling-to-death(not the right analogy, I guess) kinda change which you only notice when you're on the other side of the bridge- a totally different person altogether. 
For me, however, the changes were in spurts. 
First to go was my appetite, something I initially blamed on bad batch of faasos chicken rolls. What I realised later was that the little girl inside me had decided that she was a vegetarian like her father, so there I was a true bred punjabi, a purely non-veg girl puking at the smell of chicken!!! And that also meant no more weekend trips to Hard Rock Cafe for the chicken burger, and tea just meant tea not the Long Island one! And mind you, that has to remain for more than an year.

Everyone tells you how great the whole experience of giving birth to a child is; no one tells you what all you lose.

Next to go were my favourite pair of heels. That's right! I was wearing flats! Shoes I won't even be caught dead in. And now here I am an year later with exactly 15 pair of shoes that don't fit! No one bothered to tell me that even after having a child, your feet or for that matter you won't suddenly go back to your earlier size. It would again be a slow painful process. So that leaves me with shoes I keep trying every week, hoping to fit in some day. Oh and yes the same is applicable to finger rings.

I am not supposed to talk about this or even feel a tiny bit of remorse as I have to act motherly and take peace in the miracle of life I created. And say profound things like how its all worth it in the end. And I do say it with the right amount of emoting. Maybe I will get there, once my hormones settle down, which by the way are yet another set of things that don't go back to normal very soon. And when they start going astray, you cannot even guess what all can happen to you, right from pigmentation to dry,itchy,flaky skin. You end up hating yourself and doubting if you ever will have the infamous radiant skin. 

The hormones also play with your emotions, so till they get back to normal, I am going to be snappy and thankfully , being in India I have an understanding, supportive family.
That's one side of the story, a materialistic girl trying to cope with loss of her things. 
Other Side is the ambitious girl who is suddenly on maternity leave with too much free time on her hand. Again, the advice is to cherish these moments, my Lil baby will only be this age once, so my heart should be swelling with pride over her every mile stone, how the first smile and first giggle should make me cry and make me feel how it is all worth it in the end. I did cry at her first attempt to talk to me. And my daughter is a Lil chatterbox who likes singing with me as I sing lullabies for her. And I love it. 
But there are 24 hours in a day, and one tends to reminiscence over the carefree old days especially at night when the clock says 1 am and your little bundle of joy refuses to sleep anyway. So you remember the time when u voluntarily stayed awake at night reading, chatting, watching movies, doing projects. When stress meant force/area, not the kind you feel when your Lil one sneezes twice in a row.

What I am trying to say is, no one prepares you for the reality that is having a child. The pregnancy books are full of advices and anecdotes of perfect women who were well just born to give birth. Maybe few years down the line I would pretend to be one of those women, but for now I want to be real. 
And in real world, all the confusions, sadness, coping with changes holds, and you live with it. Try to live past each day as it comes, hoping to reach the other end a saner person. And your only ray of hope is the cute little girl you created, whom you decided to bring in the world and whom you love unconditionally and irrevocably in spite of the fact that she is an exact replica of your mother-in-law and every woman knows that speaks volumes for the kind of love you feel.

Yes, I married for love

This piece was also published here:

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/11/making-a-love-marriage-work/


India- The Land Of great love stories like Shree-Farhaad, Soni- Mahiwal, Laila-Majnu etc and also the land where love marriages are still scorned at by certain section of society. Lately I found out that it's not just the generation before us but some same-age people who also get judgmental over the issue. Here's the conversation I had with a male friend, actually an old school friend I happened to meet again on FB (sigh ! The downside of technology)
Him: So you got married? Bataya nahi.. What does your husband do?
Me: yup. He is an engineer too.
Him: whats his name? 
Me: (I provide with d name)
Him: (surprise smiley) Love marriage? 
Me: yup
Him: Ok
(Pause for 10 mins)
Me: what about you? 
Him: oh! I married in my caste only. Arranged marriage. Its simple and respectful to parents.

Duh-ahh!!!

Here's a person with same education as me, but in his eyes I obviously did the wrong thing. True that no one can make you feel bad without your permission, but the verdict is out, just coz I had a love inter-caste marriage. That's the hypocrisy of India, an eloped couple loses a bit of respect in the eyes of elders. SRK gave a solution to this elopement issue in DDLJ, where proper respect is given to parent's wishes. But even if one did not elope, even if you had a proper marriage, things are assumed and judgement passed. 

But it also made me think over the other side of it, how much percentage of marriages survive? And whats the statistics of how many arranged marriages fail over how many love marriages fail?
And by failure I don't mean divorce, I mean failure in the sense where a couple stays together for society, kids or just resigns to fate.
I have nothing against arranged marriages, I think its a beautiful way of union where everyone gets a say, two families come together not just two people and the flip side is you always get someone to blame if things go wrong!!

But then I have nothing against or for love marriages too. If two people are mature enough to feel that they can spend their lives together nothing/no one should stop them. And if the same couple after some time feels that they made a mistake nothing should stop them at doing what is right. Only love and mutual respect should be the reason for two people to be together, not "what will people say" fear, not kids , not finances and not the fear of being a social outcast in case a marriage ends. Sadly in India a divorced man or woman becomes a social outcast. And that makes many unhappy couple's to stay together. 
In my opinion as SRK said.." hum ek hi baar jeete hein..." we have one life and we should max out on it. Its not worth spending the one life we get in regrets or worry or sadness.

So, here's a list I formulated for love marriage couple's to stay in love 
( Applicable to arranged marriages too, I guess if the couple is in love and not in a compromised ah-that's-my-life stage)

1. Respect each other. One of the reasons you got married was respect for each other, don't let anything or anyone change that.

2. Accept that there will always be people jealous of you or just people like my school friend above who will be judgmental towards your decision, dont let them affect you. True that we get carried away with people trying to instigate you, but let your reaction remain till a certain level. Let a little sacred spot in your relationship untouched. As long as you both have that spot, nothing can break you.

3. Be bold enough to point out when the other one is being an ass. Remember the time before marriage when you were just friends and you rocked your friendship by being brutally honest to each other. Dont let the label of "husband" and "wife" change the honesty. Above all don't let responsibilities ruin your friendship.

4. Have realistic expectations from your partner. You are the best judge of whom you married as a person. If you fell in love with a modern jeans clad colleague, dont suddenly expect her to wear sarees, and when she does once in a while appreciate her. And girls, once in a while wear a sari just to please your friend. Trust me nothing beats the look of awe and happiness in your partner's eyes.

5. Most importantly, let go of the guilt. We have a tendency of feeling guilty thanks to the society which thinks you somehow robbed our parents of something by marrying according to our wishes. And if you yourself feel guilty and at every moment over shadow your marriage with that guilt. You wont survive long. Your partner should not have to suffer for your guilt. Grow up and move on. No one is suffering because of your decision. Only you are. 

6. Fight fair. There is no real relationship without fights. But when you do, fight fair. And most importantly dont let the other person feel unwanted. Coz in a love marriage the most important person for your partner is you. Don't ever forget that, try to see the love beneath the anger.

7. Lastly, know when to give up. In spite of all your efforts sometimes people change and if it's not working out , maybe it's not your fault. Learn to give up at the right time. Don't be a 50 year old person regretting a loveless marriage. Have the courage to call it. 

There are many more things that might work for people based on their individual experiences but I think the basic thing is to make it work. Like the parent in "just married" tells Ashton, most days you have to work on a marriage. A photo album will not have the days you worked on a marriage, but the album is made of the happy dayz that were there coz of the days you worked.

The Curse of Eve

I have never considered myself as a Feminist (I still don’t), But recent events vis-a-vis the Buzzfeed article of "Why India needs Feminism" and some personal and public incidents made me study the "Word" a bit more.
Growing up reading Ayn Rand, I was always an individualistic (read: Selfish, according to Indian standards). I have always been labeled selfish by friends, love-interest/husband, sisters etc. and I didn’t mind, because I understood where they came from and somehow knew where I stand. Anyway this note isn’t about justifications of whom and why I am the way I am. This note is just an effort to understand the big shot words used in philosophy/literature like Feminism, Objectivism, Individualism etc.(And a minor effort to get over the Writer's block I have since last two years)
So starting from the title of the note- "The Curse of Eve"
The Bible says that the pain of Childbirth is the curse of Eve for tasting the forbidden fruit.
God tells Eve
 "... I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 3:16)
Seems like an Anti-Feminist statement, but then I am no expert on religion and maybe it has some deeper meaning. Maybe it means God is blessing Eve with the joy of multiple children.
But the same phrase "Curse of Eve" can be extrapolated to many other incidents in recent past.
The foremost among them is the Dec-2012 "Nirbhaya case" and the subsequent silly remarks passed on by people who run the country. Agreed, she got the support of millions of people who came on the street to support her, but it also revealed the hypocritical side of us. Its been a long time but the wounds will maybe never heal and the verdict wasn’t satisfactory either, with the juvenile all set to walk free just because he wasn’t considered mature based on age limit, not on his acts. I am aware of the entire hullabaloo about it by Human Rights but considering the Law situation in our country, everyone knows the outcome anyway. I wonder if a country which lives by its rich heritage and epics like "Mahabharata" and "ramayana" knows the following text from Mahabharata in Sambhava Parv which explains why the God of Justice was born as Vidura. It is a conversation between the "God of Justice" and a Rishi called "Ani- Mandavya" who is wrongly implicated in a robbery case and suffers. He asks the "God of Justice" the reason for his suffering and the God replies thus-
"The God of justice, thus questioned, replied, 'O thou of ascetic wealth, a little insect was once pierced by thee on a blade of grass. Thou bearest now the consequence of the act. O Rishi, as a gift, however small, multiplieth in respect of its religious merits, so a sinful act multiplieth in respect of the woe it bringeth in its train.' On hearing this, Ani-Mandavya asked, 'O tell me truly when this act was committed by me. Told in reply by the god of justice that he had committed it, when a child, the Rishi said, 'That shall not be a sin which may be done by a child up to the twelfth year of his age from birth. The scriptures shall not recognise it as sinful. The punishment thou hast inflicted on me for such a venial offence hath been disproportionate in severity. The killing of a Brahmana involves a sin that is heavier than the killing of any other living being. Thou shall, therefore, O god of justice; have to be born among men even in the Sudra order. And from this day I establish this limit in respect of the consequence of acts that an act shall not be sinful when committed by one below the age of fourteen. But when committed by one above that age, it shall be regarded as sin.'
Even the epic decides the age of maturity at 14 and not 18.But sadly; when with the advent of technology children are exposed to all that’s good and bad and hence mature faster, we still stick to an age limit to decide someone’s maturity.
Bottom-line- Justice will remain denied to a woman because of age old laws drafted during British era.
Recently again, Preity Zinta filed a case against her ex-boyfriend for molestation and yet again, our hypocritical society had some jabs to take at her. Just google her name, and we have many insensitive remarks about her on Twitter, Facebook etc. Even women claiming that she doesn’t have a right to raise a voice just coz she was in relationship with him. Only time, a lot of power-play and money will decide who did what, but what I am against is the mentality to judge a woman based on her relationships and status. It’s a bifurcated road, women in villages are killed and hung on trees because they cannot do anything, and when a woman who can do something raises her voice, she is ridiculed at. Preity's case is sufficient evidence against why India as a country will never understand the concept of Marital rape thousands of women will continue to suffer because they are bound by marriage to devils. All this is enough to turn even the most neutral person (me) into a Feminist.
On a lighter note, I still am not sure if I am a Feminist or not, I still don’t like to fall into debates with people over Women's rights, I just fight over Individual rights and subsequently get chastised for my strong sense of right or wrong and inability to mould according to circumstances. A quality everyone around me reminds me to adapt if I have to be happy, but I can’t. I still have many unanswered questions-
1. Does being very aware of my rights make me a feminist? Just because I am a girl?
2. Does refusing to be stereotyped into a role of a wife/daughter and sticking to cooking and taking up all house responsibilities alone, not trying to be superwoman make me a Feminist?
3. Does believing that a husband shares the work equally (which mine does thankfully!) make me a Feminist?
4. Does deciding to not change my name/identity post marriage, make me a Feminist?
5. Does filing my own ITR and managing my own finances (badly I accept) make me a Feminist?

I think not, because these are things any individual will do irrespective of gender. So in my effort to label myself as someone other than "Selfish" I become aware of my surroundings start connecting things and just being aware of the injustice and the hypocritical nature  of society makes me a feminist.

That reminds me- The Great Indian Stereotype of things an Indian Women is cast into.
The list goes such-

1. Women can’t decide which car to buy- I remember an incident where a friend (now husband) remarked that I will buy a car if they market it with a feature of "lipstick box" in glove box additional. It was said in fun, but u know where it comes from. So screw my degree in Mechanical Engineering, my decision making power, I cannot make rational decisions, apparently.
2. Women cannot be good drivers. A deep rooted stereotype, that needs to go. I know some women who are the safest drivers compared to men I know, but saying so will hurt the Male ego, so I cannot say that I believe my sister is a better driver than You-know-who ;-)
3.   Recently, got cyber-bullied, coz I expressed my opinion about Football and was praised for my "abundance" knowledge of Football (sarcastically of course) by a stranger! Well, I chose to ignore (Did I?) and chose to not remark on bad English, but made me realize the stereotype. Just coz I am a girl, I cannot know Football. Irrespective of the fact that I have followed every world cup since I was ten and every League match, I cannot know enough. And I wasn’t bizarre enough to say that "Oh! Portugal should have won the World Cup! Ronaldo is so handsome!" What I said made sense; Netherlands played really well throughout the world cup and in my opinion deserved a place in finals. But no! I cannot say that Sir, without being rudely laughed at. I would have let go of the incident as just cyber bullying, but deep inside I know it comes down to Feminism. Just like a 12th Pass Smriti Irani cannot be a HRD minister, but an uneducated person can be rail minister or even PM.

Bottom-line-I don’t like the Feminist me, I will definitely like to go back to being the Individualistic me, finding parallels between Howard and I (Fountainhead) but "yeh zaaalim duniya, kya bana diya mujhe!" :-)

Excerpt from SHE "Highway"

 We should not assume things without concrete
evidence. It only results in endless discussions. Does it not?
My experience says it does. So my brother and I were
driving down to the highway and he asked me, “Now what?”
So I was like, “What, What?”
‘You know, your life, what have you decided to do next?”
he asked.
At that particular instant we were passing a movie theatre
and as I mentioned I was under the impression that my brother
was only killing time, so just to infuriate him I said, “I am
thinking of joining the film industry”.
Now, being naïve to medical science, I don’t understand the
elastic limit of human eye. But I swear to God my brother’s eyes
were thrice their natural size. He did not need to mouth the
“What?” I could read it in his eyes along with the expletive F
word. But he did mouth the “What?” and I replied with my
“What?” He kept looking at me.
“You think I am not pretty enough?” I was enjoying this now.
“I didn’t say that” he replied a bit shyly. “But I supposed
you would do something respectable.”
This is what I meant when I said I got insight into his
character. He must be kidding.
“You think it is not respectable?” I asked. “People die to meet
film actors and just for your information it makes you famous
too. No one knows what Aishwarya’s or Sushmita’s brother does
for living. Maybe he is picking stones somewhere. (I did the
brother comparison thing just to annoy him.) On second
thoughts, that could make headlines. But you get my point? The
profession has fame, money and respect.”
“Not to mention, Lust.” He added with a wry smile.
This was war now and everything is fair there, Clichéd but true.
“Oh ! that’s the part of being famous. It’s a double edged
sword.” I threw in.
“Right, that’s what I meant. I bet no one lusts the brother’s
of the film actors you mentioned. That speaks something about
the dullness of their profession.” He added. Score 1-0
I was not going to give up.
“So are you jealous of not being lusted at? I am sorry but
little chances of someone lusting at your overgrown stomach”
(I told you this was war) Score 1-1
“Jealous? You must be kidding. And just for your
information. My stomach is a sign of prosperity.” He defended.
Score 1-1
“I doubt the army thinks the same”. I replied. Score 2-1.
“I am 33, alright and really sorry if I don’t fit into your
Barbie world.”
He snarled and I won. It was like giving up on
his part. We were in the last two minutes of the game and he
had accepted that any effort now was futile. He was Newcastle
without Owen. I was Man U with Ronaldo. He had no chance.
That was the end of our discussion. I kept looking out of
the window for the rest of our drive. The drive was indeed
scenic. For some time, I was lost in it all. Monsoon had arrived
and the rains had beautified the natural charm of the place.
..... I could not help but smile. My brother was still mad
at me for my earlier comments and he maintained a tight lipped
profile with all his concentration on the road. I was in a dream
world though totally bowled over by the scenery.
“If it’s a dream, don’t wake me
In this heaven just let me be.”
I sighed.
“What?” My brother exclaimed.
“I am quoting.” I said still looking out of the window. I could
see from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me with
quizzical expression.
“Who?”
“Myself.”
“What?”
“Is there a rule which says I cannot quote myself?” I asked
instead.
“No, but you’re not old enough to start quoting.”
“You and your prejudices” I sighed and turned my face away
from him to look out of the window. He kept driving and I kept
enjoying the landscape.
“Why do people get so ridiculously poetic and sentimental
in natural surroundings?” he asked.
“I don’t know about people, I am just enjoying myself
and the poem just crossed my mind. Why are you being
cynical?”
........“So complete it”. He said as we walked in the café and
seated.
“Complete what?”
“The poem.”
“I thought you just said it is idiotic.”
“Yeah, but you said you enjoy quoting, so complete it”.
“I said I was enjoying the scenery not that I enjoy poetry,
which by the way I do.” I corrected him.
“Complete it”, he repeated. I thought he was making fun
of me. I remembered our childhood days when as a fourth
grader, mom would make me recite the multiplication tables.
I would always get stuck at 13 two’s are 26 (I remember adding
13 twice quickly). My brother would be reading a thick book
and he would be laughing at my predicament. Bet he was doing
the same now but I won’t let him dampen my high spirits. I
had to show off. It was the outcome of 23 years of quiet dumping
of the volatile substances; I won’t take this humiliation lying
down now.
It happened naturally, my voice took a high pitch note as
I recited the poem. I was speaking louder than I usually do.
“Such is my bliss that I fail to see,
You’re surreal, you’re a fantasy
If it’s a dream, don’t wake me
In this heaven just let me be
Let me be lost, and never be found
To Walk away with you, spellbound.”
Read More @ http://www.flipkart.com/she-dixy-gandhi-book-8190901311

Excerpt from "SHE" " Confessions"

Next day I took an off from work and was standing at the
airport to receive Arjun. My head held high, I knew he would
give up on me finally and I would be free.
Arjun walked in moments later with a blonde girl in tow
whom he introduced as his colleague from work. She was sweet
and smiled a lot, with her every flash of teeth I had a strong
urge to break them all. Throughout the drive from the airport
to my house, Arjun kept whispering something in her ear and
she kept smiling. They held hands and I kept looking out of
the window. He had indeed given up on me, but I failed to feel
the right kind of happiness at my victory.
Hours after his arrival, Arjun knocked at my door.
“So now am real enough for you?”
I did not get his question. So I refused to answer him. He
kept looking at me and his eyes were difficult to read, it was
not anger, it was not resentment, it was something which I had
never seen before. We stood like that for few seconds and then
I broke down.
“Why did you make me do this, Resh?” he asked and I had
no answer. I had no answer for my suspicion, for my inability
to believe. That question was enough for me to jolt back to
reality though,
“You go back Arjun, you don’t belong here.”
“That’s for me to decide.”
“And me as well” I added.
“And where do you think you belong?” he questioned.
The only answer I had was “nowhere” but that was not
acceptable.
I had a kink.
“Can you not get really infuriated and leave?” I asked him
instead.
“No I would just find a way to get back to you and we can
play at this forever and play at other people too, what say?”
He never once asked me why I so wanted him to leave, I
wont have been able to answer if he would have asked me
anyway. I was a hypocrite, I missed him terribly when he left
and showed that I didn’t give a damn when he arrived. I was
scared, scared of revealing my true self, scared of showing him
how much he really mattered to me. But he knew and that’s
why he understood and that’s why he forgave.
(iv)
Arjun continued his very obvious PDA in my house and I was
subjected to disapproving looks from my parents because my
loss was that blonde’s gain.All of which made me see Mudit yet
again, the idea was to be honest with him, tell him that I was
still haunted by the ghosts from the past; the giant, very
handsome ghost actively showcasing his talents in my drawing
room right now was enough to make me run to the fake mirage.
I decided to drop in enough hints to make him understand my
view point.
Make me less of a sinner.
“So Mudit would you be concerned if your girlfriend had
had past relationships?” I asked him just for the sake of
conversation.
He looked unperturbed and continued typing on his
computer without as much as battling an eyelid, even as he
replied in negative and then added a question of his own.
“Are you suggesting that you’re my girlfriend?”
Good question. Nothing was official between us. We were
just hanging out, not officially dating each other, not officially
declared a couple and not officially bound to be together, so
how did this thing work?
In our favor.
For now.
“No I’m not, it was a hypothetical question.”
He nodded.
“Would you be concerned if I had a past?”
“I guess no.”
He did not answer my question; I ended up answering my
own question.
He kept looking at me for some time and then raised his
hand to touch the dark circles under my eyes.
“Losing your sleep over something honey?” I winced at the
endearment but did not reply.
“Some past haunting you?”
I chickened out.
“Will you fall into a relationship just to get out of an old
one?” I asked instead.
Mudit smiled, maybe he got my hints.
“No, I won’t. I would wait until the wounds healed.” He
replied with all the sincerity.
“I would.” I nearly whispered.
“You would, what?”
“Fall into a relationship on rebound.” I looked straight at
him.
“I still wont.” He smiled. He thought my confession was to
trap him. My confession was the truth which bypassed his
egotistical mind.
I could not bring myself to be upfront about it to him and
with the passage of time and the deepening of Arjun’s affection
for the blonde my dark circles deepened. Mudit was a mute
spectator and I felt like I was cheating him, I did not have the
courage to call it off. I made sure that I meet him everyday.
It gave me something else to do, even when my mind was
preoccupied, it was a nice escape. I enjoyed the attention,
wanted someone, something to fall back to, show off to.
Whenever I stepped out of the house, Arjun would give me
a knowing smile like we were sharing a secret.
“I’m going out” I would yell out to no one in particular, just
so that Arjun could hear and know whom I was going to be
with. He kept smiling with no remorse and no regrets.
He confronted me on the last day of his visit as I was
stepping out of the house.
“I got your point, you need not do this anymore.” He said
as I looked at him and feigned ignorance.
“I’m getting married.” He announced.
This time I smiled and walked out of the house.
Its true in a way, when the door to your heart is tight shut,
nothing can penetrate it, and you just feel an occasional tug,
when your deep asleep morals sometimes wake up to give you
sleepless nights instead. I still was having the fling with Mudit;
my mind would be miles away when Mudit’s brain concentrated
on me which was not fair to anyone. But it wasn’t like I was
addicted. He wasn’t even my antidote on the addiction to Arjun.
It was just a bad case of drug overdose, where you take one
medicine and it overreacts and then you are given another one
and the side effects are even bad. I was suffering from many
of the effects. I did not even know where I would land at the
end of it all, maybe in a mental asylum, but I was ready to take
any bet to not land up being with Arjun. I surely had a kink.
The week was up and it was time for Arjun to go back and
needless to add time for me to say bye to Mudit, but even that
was difficult. I could not. I had something very human left in
me. I could not do this either, he made it easier on me though.
He just vanished. I would be a hypocrite if I declare that I was
happy about it. I was sad and hurt, deeply hurt. My ego was
battered, I felt used and thrown. My mind went over a thousand
reasons over why he would do it to me. No email, no phone
call, no text message, nothing. When earlier I was bombarded
with obscenely high amount of his presence, his absence was
hurting. He just vanished in thin air. Like he never even existed,
did I deserve this treatment? Looking at my intentions in the
first place maybe I did. Does anyone deserve this treatment?
Answer to this is simple. A simple, Plain No.
It was the age old hunter became the hunted syndrome.
Would it make a difference to Mudit if he somehow knew
all this?
If I had confessed my intentions earlier?
I figured out that it won’t make a difference to him, that he
had achieved all that he set out to achieve for himself and
somewhere in some part of the world he was beaming to himself.
I felt a bit happy for him and a hell lot sad for me when I knew
I had no right to.
And somehow I also set upon thinking many other things,
the simplicity of age old rules, how straightforward and easy to
follow they were. How important it is for things to be official.
When one can demand, complaint and if need arise legalize,
would have I done that? Somehow in the modernization I had
accepted myself as an independent being where the answers to
questions like, ‘where are we going?’, ‘Does this have a future?’
did not matter. I was the kind of person who did not believe
in forever. So I had no right to complain. I deserved being
deserted; I can’t even call it being that, it would be too brazen.
I deserved every bit of it, but I could not silence my heart which
kept screaming foul, only because it wanted to hold back. It was
used to the attention, the endearments. Its silly how when one
gets used to the fakeness, the hardheartedness, the things our
elders turn their noses at and we youngsters flaunt on the roads
so shamelessly, it’s difficult to turn back.
Its like smoking, everyone knows its bad, but no one gives
up.
Mudit was smoking for me I wasn’t ready to give up.
Arjun was the Alcohol Anonymous, I wasn’t even ready to
enroll; someone had to make me forcefully join it.
I wasn’t a feminist demanding my set of rights. I was just
laughing over the irony of the situation as I drove Arjun back
to the airport the next day.
Me, A single girl, who did not believe in forever, who did
not believe in the too real Arjun sitting comfortably in the back
seat with the blonde, his hand resting comfortably on her leg
and both of them deep in conversation. He was still shy, talked
very little, but she made up with her dazzling smile.
They belonged together and I belonged in my own schizoid
world.
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